


Only Know It When

by babytobin_horse



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-10
Updated: 2013-10-16
Packaged: 2017-12-26 04:38:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 34,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/961648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babytobin_horse/pseuds/babytobin_horse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everybody knows Tobin Heath is in love with Alex Morgan. Except for Alex and Tobin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by this song, but you won't need to listen to it until later  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufEejvMEP64

Tobin took her seat among her teammates, a range between old and new. They maybe took up two rows worth of seats, but she knew it had to be done. It was practically everyone she’s ever played with on the women’s national team. They were dressed up all nice. It was always strange seeing her teammates in fancy clothing opposed to the usual uniforms or casual t-shirts and shorts or sweatpants.

Tobin, who sat on the edge, tapped her fingers absentmindedly against the seat. She wanted to be there, but she didn’t at the same time. Why was she doing this to herself? Oh yeah, because this was her teammate, and no matter what, she was there for her, no matter what happened in the past. If only she could turn back time. Turn it back to maybe two years ago. She’d stop being so afraid. She’d build her confidence. But it was too late now, wasn’t it? There was nothing she could do.

“You alright there, Tobs?” Lauren asked, looking at her friend a little concerned.

Tobin cleared her through, stopping her fingers from tapping on her seat. “Yeah, Chen, I’m fine.” No matter how many years would pass, Lauren would never be a Holiday to her. She would always be Cheney. Cheney, Chensaw, Chendog, Chen. There was no changing that.

Lauren knew better than what her friend was telling her, but she let her believe her own false words. “Just making sure,” she gave her a small smile, knowing Tobin was anything but fine.

Tobin gave her a smile in response, then she realized everyone had either come down to a whisper or just stop talking all together. She spun her head to the entrance and her breath hitched slightly. There she was in all her beauty. Was it possible she looked more beautiful than before? Or was it simply because she hadn’t seen her since the last training camp?

How did it end up like this?

***

[ _about two years ago_ ]

“Tobin, Tobin wake up,” Alex cooed softly as the bus lulled to a stop. She gently shook her best friend.

“Mmh?” she murmured in response her eyes adjusting to the light and surroundings. Tobin took off her headphones and looked at the girl sitting next to her.

“We’re in Jersey, Tobs,” her best friend smiled, getting up to stretch.

A grin immediately appeared on Tobin’s face at the knowledge that she was in her home state. She too stood and stretched as her teammates began filing out of the bus. She grabbed her bag from under her and slung it around her shoulder. “How long was I out?” she asked the striker as she stepped into the isle.

Alex shrugged, thinking for a moment before starting to walk off the bus. “Maybe half an hour?”

“Not too bad,” Tobin decided which received a chuckle from Alex. They both got off the bus along with the rest of their teammates. As they stood in the lobby, Tobin turned her attention to Alex. “Was I drooling?”

“Only because you were aware I was next to you,” Alex winked with a smirk.

Tobin laughed, shoving her friend playfully. “You’re an idiot.”

“But you didn’t deny it.” This only made Alex’s smirk deeper. This made Tobin blush slightly, but Alex didn’t seem to notice. She just laughed.

“Well, if everyone’s done flirting, I’d like to see who my roommate is,” Kelley obnoxiously interrupted, giving Tobin and Alex a pointed look before walking right in between them and over to where the team was beginning to gather.

“We’re not flirting,” Alex rolled her eyes, feeling like this was millionth time this week someone had mentioned this.

“We’re best friends,” Tobin chimed in.

The two had always been close, but everyone (except for them) noticed that they were closer than most “best friends”. They usually didn’t say much about it, but did get the occasional tease or two from their teammates. At this point, the two were used to it and didn’t mind it much attention.

“Right, that’s it,” Kelley called back over to them while her eyes scanned the paper for her room and roommate.

Alex couldn’t help but laugh at Kelley and then dragged Tobin by the arm over to the herd of teammates that had assembled. Finally she was able to get a hold of the paper and scanned through the names.

“Who am I rooming with?” Tobin asked curiously, trying to get a peek at the paper Alex was holding onto.

“Shh,” Alex waved her away. “I can’t read when you’re all up in my space.”

Tobin chuckled, shaking her head. “Sorry ‘Lex.”

A moment later, Alex smiled. “You’re rooming with little Morgan Brian and I’m rooming with Krieger.”

“Awesome, I get the rookie,” Tobin grinned, searching for the blonde girl amongst the crowd.

Once they had settled in, Tobin flopped onto her bed, still kind of tired. “You did good last night kid,” she told Morgan as she walked out of the bathroom.

Morgan modestly smiled. “Thanks, you played amazing – but that’s every game.”

Tobin chuckled, not willing to take the compliment. “Oh, I wouldn’t really say that.”

“It’s true,” Morgan replied, taking a seat on her own bed.

“Thanks kid,” she shrugged, finally taking in the praise. “How much longer until dinner?”

“An hour or so,” the rookie replied, stretching out on her bed.

Tobin grabbed her phone on the nightstand. “Alright, cool. I guess I’ll just hang with Alex until then, if you don’t mind of course.”

“Oh no, I was gonna hang with Crystal,” Morgan shrugged, then bit her lip. “Hey…is there something going on between you two?”

The question caught Tobin off guard. She looked at the younger girl with a quirked eyebrow. “What are you talking about?”

“You and Alex,” she replied slowly, aware of the blush rising to her cheeks quickly. “I mean, you two are always together, and I know that you’re best friends, but it’s like –” Morgan quickly cut herself off as she noticed Tobin’s eyebrows furrowed deeper and a more confused expression becoming clear on her face. “You know what? Never mind. Forget I said anything, okay?”

“Uh…okay,” Tobin shrugged. “See you at dinner Moe!” She nodded at the younger girl and left the room.

Well, what was…strange. Was it really starting to look like her and Alex were a couple? There was no way. Yet little Morgan Brian did seem serious. She was so new and naïve to this team so obviously she wasn’t teasing like majority of the team did on a normal basis. Tobin thought for a moment about her and Alex together. She could think of nothing besides the normal best friend nature that she and Alex had started since day one of their friendship. She shook off her thoughts, making her way to Alex’s hotel room.

“Oh it’s you,” Ali smirked at Tobin as she opened the door to her and Alex’s room.

“Yeah, duh it’s me,” Tobin rolled her eyes, not sure why Ali was smirking.

“Tobin!” she heard Alex’s voice happily announce. The sound of the familiar raspy voice made Tobin’s features light up immediately.

Ali’s smirk softened when she saw Tobin’s whole face light up. She gave her a small smile and stepped out of the way. “I’ll see you two at dinner.”

Tobin stepped into the room, smiling at Alex. “Yeah, go have fun calling your girlfriend.”

“I will,” Ali winked, skipping out of the room and shutting the door behind her.

“Sit here,” Alex grinned, patting the empty spot on the bed next to her.

Without hesitation, Tobin made her way next to Alex. “What do you wanna do for an hour, Lex?”

“I’m kind of in the mood for just sitting here and watching whatever game is on right now,” Alex admitted, shrugging and glancing at her friend. “Unless you want to do something?”

“No,” she shook her head. “That’s fine with me,” Tobin gave her best friend a wide grin as she reached over for the remote. See? Nothing out of the ordinary here, just best friends.  She relaxed a little as she turned on the TV and found the first soccer game she could find.

“I can’t wait until you move in with me,” Alex suddenly mentioned, turning to face her with an excited expression.

“Me either, it’s gonna be the best” Tobin replied unable to help a smile from spreading on her face as she saw how happy Alex was.

Alex let herself relax on the bed, her back leaning against the frame. They were both losing themselves in the game, watching every move, every touch. Tobin was suddenly snapped out of her thoughts when she felt Alex’s arm press into hers unintentionally. She couldn’t help but suddenly be aware of her surroundings.

 _Best friends do this, right?_  Tobin thought to herself. She wasn’t about to let the team’s teasing and banter affect her. It was nothing. She and Alex were platonic. That’s all there was to it. But why couldn’t Tobin shake off the warm feeling she got as Alex’s arm remained pressed against hers? She tried to rid these thoughts by focusing on the game, but it was hard not to be aware of Alex being so close. Then Alex’s head is suddenly resting against Tobin’s shoulder and it takes everything in Tobin to keep her breath steady. She glances down at the striker whose eyes are still on the game.

The younger girl feels a pair of soft, hazel eyes on her so she looks up. “I’m tired,” she yawned. “I didn’t sleep on the bus like someone else,” she giggled slightly.

“Bus naps are awesome,” Tobin chuckled in reply. Alex snuggled her head into the crook of Tobin’s neck and Tobin remained still, pretending it didn’t affect her.  _But best friends don’t really do this, do they?_ Tobin slightly frowned. Of course they did…

A thought then occurred to her. The reason why the team must’ve been messing with them more lately and why Morgan’s observation seemed so honest was probably because of the break up between Alex and her long-time boyfriend Servando. They’d broken up a few weeks ago, and since then Tobin noticed Alex seemed lonely. She was around Tobin more than usual – if that was even possible. And of course they’d probably be more touchy, Alex didn’t get to see Servando much, and Tobin guessed that knowing she wouldn’t be able to see him anymore, Alex needed those lingering touches once again.

It wasn’t as if she was doing these things on purpose. It was a natural reaction, and Tobin didn’t mind because she’d do whatever it took for Alex to be okay. Soon enough, she looked down to notice Alex had fallen asleep on her shoulder. She couldn’t help but smile as she watched her best friend. She looked like an angel. She actually did all the time.

So no, Tobin concluded, there were no feelings between them. Just the good nature of best friends.  That’s what she told herself, at least.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Best friends" can only go so far - even Tobin figures that out.

The following day was their day off before an intense training. The whole team made their way down to the conference room where breakfast was waiting for them. A bouncy Alex made her way over to Tobin. “Good morning Tobs,” she smiled at the midfielder. Her eyes were wide with energy as she grabbed a plate.

Tobin grabbed a plate of her own as she chuckled softly. “Hi there, what’s got you so hyper this morning?”

Alex shrugged, getting her food. “I don’t know. I think I slept pretty well last night.” Her arm brushed against Tobin and Tobin momentarily held her breath.  _Just best friends_ , she thought to herself. But if it they were just best friends, why was she acting this way? “So what are you doing today?”

 “I think later this afternoon HAO and I are gonna visit our old soccer club,” Tobin informed her, smiling at the thought of visiting the place she was practically raised in. “And you Lex?”

“Probably hang out in New York with Abby or something,” Alex shrugged, her mind not entirely made up. “Now come on, let’s join the rest of the team,” she gave Tobin a smile before taking Tobin’s free hand in hers and skipping to their table. Tobin laughed, letting the striker drag her along, feeling a little giddy with the contact. They didn’t usually hold hands.  _Don’t best friends hold hands? I think Syd and Mewie do it…right?_

 “You okay there, baby horse?” Hope asked, raising an eyebrow at Alex.

“Yup!” Alex grinned, popping the ‘p’ at the end of the word. “I’m doing great!”

Hope’s eyes shifted to Tobin as if she had an explanation. “Don’t look at me,” Tobin put her hands up defensively. “I just saw her now. But personally, I think someone drugged her last night.”

Alex whacked Tobin’s arm. “Hey! No they didn’t! Am I not allowed to be happy?”

“That’s what I woke up to this morning,” Ali groaned, pointing to the bouncy Alex.

“Ow! Lex, stop bouncing so much,” Tobin whined, rubbing her arm.

“What’s up kid?” Abby asked with an amused expression on her face. She knew Alex never got this hyped up without a particular reason.

“Nothing,” she replied quickly. “I just slept really well.” Tobin knew her better than that, but decided not to say anything.

The subject quickly dropped as more of the team makes their way into the room. Breakfast is filled with light hearted joking and small talk, but all Tobin’s thinking about is Alex and why she’s in such a good mood. As they all part ways for the day, Tobin has decided to accompany Cheney and show her around for a little before that afternoon.

“You seemed a little spaced out today Tobs,” Lauren commented as she pushed the elevator button.

“I did?” Tobin asked her longtime friend. It hadn’t seemed obvious to Tobin that she was off somewhere else during breakfast.

Lauren gave her a pointed look. “The only person you would ever really focus on was Alex.”

“You’re exaggerating,” Tobin rolled her eyes. That wasn’t true. Sure, she paid a lot of attention to Alex, but that’s what best friends do, right?

Lauren shook her head. After knowing Tobin for a little over five years now, she was able to read the shorter girl pretty well. Tobin, A-Rod and herself were the three no one could ever separate. “I know you and Alex are best friends and everything, but there’s something else going on here.” She didn’t mean it to tease or joke with Tobin, she was being serious.

Tobin didn’t really pick up on the tone of Lauren’s voice and rolled her eyes. “Is this team ever going to let that go?” The elevator had reached their floor and Tobin stepped out quickly with Lauren following behind.

“I’m being serious Tobs!” Lauren groaned. “This isn’t a joke.”

Tobin slid the room card into the lock and then opened the door to her room. “Right, okay. And I’m Jesus. Okay Cheney.”

“Tobin, listen to me,” Lauren frowned.

Morgan, who had been in the bathroom putting on a little bit of makeup, stepped out and raised an eyebrow at the two of them. “Should I leave?”

“Nah Moe, it’s fine,” Tobin shook her head. “Cheney’s just being stupid.”

“No I’m not,” the taller girl grunted in response. “I’m trying to get something out of Tobin.”

The youngest girl in the room finished applying her makeup then walked out of the bathroom and looked at the two. “Something?”

“Nothing,” Tobin corrected, glaring at Lauren.

“Alex,” Lauren smirked in reply.

“There is nothing there!” Tobin sighed in aggravation. She grabbed a pillow and threw it at her close friend.

“Oh please,” Lauren scoffed, ignoring the pillow that hit her side. Her attention turned to Morgan. “Tell me you don’t see a connection between these two?”

Morgan bit her lip, hesitating a little when she noticed Tobin getting frustrated. “I mean…kind of…You guys have been really close lately…”

“HA! Even Moe sees it!” Lauren grinned in approval of Morgan’s answer. “And she hasn’t even been here that long.”

Tobin frowned, deciding to share her observation with the two. “She’s only been like that because of her break up with Servando.” This caused Lauren to laugh. “What?”

“Tobin, the girl’s been well over Serv forever,” she answered as if it was obvious. “She doesn’t care about him like that anymore.”

“And how do  _you_  know that?” Tobin challenged, wondering how on earth Lauren had come to the statement. And if it was true, how come she knew it and Tobin didn’t?

“If you bring him up in a conversation, Alex doesn’t even flinch or blink. She’s totally over it,” Lauren explained. “Tobin, I swear, you’re clueless sometimes.”

“Over it or not, there’s still nothing going on between us,” Tobin glared at her friend.

“Okay, you keep telling yourself that.” Lauren shook her head. “I’ll be here when you want to tell me you do feel something. Isn’t that right, Morgan?”

“Sure?” Morgan shrugged, grabbing her phone and wallet. “I’m heading out, see you later.” With that, she left before Lauren could ask her anymore questions that would end up siding against Tobin.

“Gotta love that kid,” Lauren chuckled.

“We’re done talking about this now,” Tobin stated clearly.

“Fine,” her friend shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal.

Tobin couldn’t help but wonder if there really were deeper feelings inside her for Alex than she let on to everyone, even herself.

The following day at practice, Tobin realized she was naturally always by Alex’s side. No matter what drill they were doing, she and Alex would be together. When they had a spare moment or when no one’s eyes were on them, they’d make a joke or two and stifle their laughter. They were basically in their own little world and no one really bothered to stop them.

Tobin found that Alex was like a magnet to her. She always felt a need to be close to her. She liked the way Alex made her happy in any situation. She liked the way that they simply understood each other in a way no one else did. She liked how they sometimes acted like children and it was okay because they were having fun.

 _Have I fallen for Alex Morgan?_   She thought as practice ended. She stopped trying to doubt herself for the first time and instead pondered the possibility of actually liking her best friend as more than a best friend. But a crucial detail never left her mind: Alex was straight.

That evening once everyone had showered up and had dinner, Alex and Tobin retreated to Alex’s hotel room at the striker’s request. Tobin didn’t even bother to say no because she knew Alex would plead until she agreed. There was no sign of Ali when they walked in, and they both figured she was running off somewhere to call Ashlyn.

Alex flopped onto her bed and sighed. “It’s been a long day.”

“Yeah, it really has,” Tobin nodded in agreement as she fell onto the bed next to Alex.

“Hey, who said you could lie on my bed?” Alex crinkled her nose in mock disgust, lightly pushing Tobin away.

She laughed in response, playing along. “Okay, I’ll just leave then,” she smirked, beginning to sit up.

“No wait,” Alex called, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her down to face Alex. “Don’t go.”

“Thought so,” Tobin laughed softly.

Alex grinned at her. “Dork.”

She was very aware of Alex’s hand still on her arm. She then became aware of how close she was to the younger girl. She could see Alex breathing movements from her chest, though she tried not to look on purpose. They were facing each other and Tobin took take in every inch of her face. Those beautiful blue eyes were looking back at Tobin with a soft gaze.

The two of them didn’t say a word. They allowed the silence to take its place between them as they looked at each other. Tobin’s eyes flickered down to Alex’s lips. Once. Twice. The grin was now gone and her lips had settled into a natural position. Her mouth was slightly open and all Tobin had to do was lean in… Should she? No, she couldn’t. Alex was straight. Alex liked boys. Even if Alex liked girls, what could make her so sure she’d like Tobin? Nothing.

But the thoughts in Tobin’s head seemed to evaporate a second later. It was like her brain had shut down completely and let her give into her desire. She leaned in a little, tilting her head. She didn’t even have time to process what was going on before the door swung open.

“Hello lovelies!” Ali cooed as she entered the room, unaware of what she just disturbed.

Both Tobin and Alex jumped a little, looking at Ali. Tobin scrambled to sit up quickly. “I should probably get going back to my room,” she murmured, not looking at Alex.

“Now?” Tobin didn’t have to turn around to know Alex was pouting again.

“I’ll see you two tomorrow,” she said as she quickly hopped off the bed and dashed out of the room. She had almost kissed Alex Morgan. Did Alex lean in, too? Tobin thought she did, but it was probably just wishful thinking. Tobin couldn’t be sure whether or not to thank Ali for walking into the room when she did. The only thing she knew for sure was she needed to get her thoughts straight before this got out of hand.


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trying to sort out and deny feelings becomes a bit too much for Tobin in her sleep

That night Tobin did a lot of thinking. Even when she nodded to Morgan that would was ready to go to bed, she knew she wouldn’t get as much sleep as she’d like. She was still a bit thrown off from her last few moments in Alex’s hotel room. There was no way she could believe that she had the intention of kissing her best friend, regardless of the consequences. The moment replayed in her mind for about the tenth time in the dark of her hotel room. They had fallen into a comfortable silence, just looking at each other. Her eyes darted to those pink lips and couldn’t tear away from them for more than a few seconds. She had leaned in (and for now she was going to assume Alex hadn’t leaned in because Alex was straight) and was about to meet those pair of lips when Ali burst in.

Tobin had decided that it was in fact a very good thing Ali had come in when she did. Who knew what could’ve happened. There were endless possibilities and of course she only thought of the negative ones. It could’ve wrecked their friendship. Alex could’ve gotten really angry. Alex would never want to speak to her again. The list went on and on for Tobin. For a minute, the thought that Alex could’ve kissed back occurred, but only made Tobin laugh softly. She turned on her side to look at Morgan, hoping she didn’t wake the younger girl up. She was glad to see the blonde was sleeping soundly, completely unaffected by Tobin’s laugh.

So…perhaps it was possible Tobin did have feelings for Alex. Now what? She couldn’t tell Alex. That wouldn’t be right at all. Especially when Tobin wasn’t even sure herself how this had all come about. Should she tell any of her teammates? Her closest friends? Since when did she even like girls this way? Everything was so jumbled in Tobin’s head.

No, she wouldn’t tell anyone about this. She couldn’t. She had to figure everything out for herself. That would be the only way she believed she could work through it successfully. Then maybe she could confide in someone. Satisfied with this, she then tried to figure out how to be subtle around Alex while she was figuring everything out.

The answer never came though, for sleep overtook her thoughts and then next thing she heard was Morgan’s alarm for the morning.

“It’s six already?” Tobin asked groggily into her pillow.

“Yeah, breakfast in an hour,” Morgan sighed, rubbing her eyes. “Do you want to shower first?”

The older girl shook her head. “Nah, go ahead.”

She watched Morgan collect her things and then tiredly walk into the bathroom. Tobin turned in her bed, thinking about Alex, and how she was going to approach the situation. Still, no answer came to her even after she and Morgan were both showered and on the way downstairs. The younger girl was good company, though. She had Tobin smiling joking as they made their way into the room.

“Hey, why don’t you sit at my table today?” Tobin suggested as they both got their plates.

The rookie smiled nervously. “You sure?” She still hadn’t quite gelled into the group, but she was slowly getting there.

“Totally,” the tanned midfielder answered as she began to pile her plate up.

A grin settled onto Morgan’s face. “Okay.”

They both made their way to Tobin’s usual table, and Tobin plopped herself right next to Alex and patted the chair on the other side of her. “I brought rookie over today, hope you don’t mind,” she grinned.

“Morning Moe,” Alex greeted with a smile as others at the table did the same.

“I don’t get a good morning?” Tobin teased, raising an eyebrow at the forward.

Alex laughed. Tobin’s heart soared at the sound of that laugh. “Good morning to you too, dork.” She nudged her lightly, and the contact left Tobin’s stomach fluttering.

Tobin felt herself tense up a little at the contact, but smile anyway as she looked at her friend for a moment before digging into her breakfast. Again, her eyes found Alex’s lips, but she quickly looked away and prayed a blush wasn’t rising to her cheeks. This wasn’t good. She didn’t want to lose herself and do something she wasn’t ready to do. Something she hadn’t understood yet. To distract herself, Tobin focused more on Morgan and the others around the table, and only occasionally looked at Alex. It wasn’t enough for anyone to notice her behavior, though.

They had two more days before the game, so training was getting a bit more intense. Everyone wanted to make the lineup for their last friendly of the summer, Tobin and the jersey girls a little more than others because it was their home. She didn’t talk much during training, but she forced herself to steer clear of Alex. Instead, she decided to pair up with either Cheney or Moe for partnered drills. By the end of training, she and Moe were much closer than they had been before. Alex picked up on this, but didn’t say anything. She figured Tobin was just trying to get to know the rookies better.

The whole day Tobin had to force herself to turn her attention to anything but Alex. She didn’t realize just how much of her mind the younger girl consumed. She figured that maybe if she gave distance between them, these feelings would subside. She had prayed about it a lot last night before falling asleep. The only hope was that God could give her an answer soon enough.

“Hey Tobs,” Lauren called out as they ended training.

Tobin stopped, watching Lauren catch up to her slowly. Training was over and basically the whole team was exhausted. “Sup,” she nodded.

“Are you okay?” her friend asked her as they fell into step and walked into the locker room together.

“What do you mean?” Tobin was confused. Did she look upset?

Lauren shrugged, lifting her shirt to wipe the sweat off her face. “Usually you and Alex are together a lot on the field. You weren’t around her much today. Now that I think about it you barely spoke to her. Something going on between you two?”

Thinking about it now, Tobin knew Lauren had a point. When Alex tried speaking to her, Tobin kept the conversation as short as possible. She needed distance, but her best friend wouldn’t understand unless Tobin broke it down for her, and she wasn’t sure how that would go down.

“Am I not allowed to talk to anyone else?” she raised an eyebrow in attempts to play the whole conversation off.

The taller girl frowned at her. “You are, it’s just…weird. It’s like you want nothing to do with her or something.”

Well shit. If anyone could pick up on hints, it would be Lauren out of all people. Tobin wasn’t sure how long she could hide this from one of her closest friends, but she knew she didn’t want to talk about it now. She was still so confused on what to do. “Don’t worry Chen, everything’s fine. I just want to know the rookies better,” she shrugged, skipping off to her locker before the interrogation could go any further.

As she gathered her things, Tobin looked up to see Alex stripping out of her shirt. She couldn’t help but admire Alex’s toned body from where she was, and wondered what it was like to run her fingers down her abs. Realizing what she was thinking, Tobin quickly averted her gaze and shoved her cleats into her bag. Snap out of it, Heath.

Dinner came around once again and Tobin invited Morgan to sit with her. The two were laughing at a stupid joke the older girl had cracked when they arrived. There was no one else at the table yet, so Tobin plopped into a random seat with Morgan following suit. She prayed that someone would snatch up the spot next to her so she didn’t have to be constantly aware of Alex’s presence next to her, but as more girls kept arriving at the table, none of them seemed to notice the empty chair next to Tobin. Alex finally made her way to the table, naturally going to the chair next to Tobin. The midfielder took a deep breath, hoping that Alex wouldn’t affect her much tonight.

She lost all hope for that thought five minutes into dinner. Alex was laughing a lot, making music to Tobin’s ears. She talked to Tobin, and Tobin had to fight everything not to purposefully make physical contact with her by a playful shove or a light hit. It was a long dinner and she wanted to get out of there as fast as she could before she could pull Alex aside and explain what she was feeling. It was building up inside of her and it had barely been a day. How was she supposed to get through the rest of camp?

The next day was a little better for her. She avoided Alex more and in the meantime became every closer to Morgan. Tobin found she was very fond of the newcomer and glad this friendship had been created during this camp.

-

Everyone was in the locker room before the game. Tobin was minding her own business, and was everyone else. It was time to get in the mode and that usually meant everyone had a moment or two of their own. Tobin was in the most secluded area of the locker room so she was positive no eyes were on her. She felt two hands covering her eyes and smiled at the only person it could be.

“Al, I know it’s you.”

“I know,” the forward giggled as Tobin turned to face her.

“Why aren’t you doing your visualizations?” she asked the younger girl, raising an eyebrow at her. It was impossible for Alex to go into a game without doing her usual visualizations. So why wasn’t she doing them now?

“Tobin, I have a secret,” Alex whispered so quietly Tobin thought she hadn’t heard the girl at all.

This immediately caused Tobin to worry. “What is it? Alex, are you okay? Will you be okay to play?”

The forward only laughed, shaking her head. “I’m fine, Tobs. It’s not anything like that.”

“Oh…then what is it?” Her brows furrowed as she stared hard at her best friend, trying to figure out what she could possibly be keeping from her. She studied the girl in front of her carefully. There was a glint in her eye and a sly smile on her face. Confidence radiated from every inch of her. Whatever Alex was hiding, Tobin felt like it would be no good.

“This,” Alex winked.

“Wha—“ Tobin didn’t ever have a chance at finishing the word because Alex’s lips slammed into hers. Tobin’s body reacted as if she waited for this moment her whole life. She tugged on Alex’s jersey, bringing her closer. Their kisses became messy and sloppy and Alex was messing up her ponytail but she didn’t care. Tobin wanted this, she knew she did. What sent her into overdrive was the fact Alex had wanted this, too. Suddenly, she heard beeping in the distance. She slowly pulled away from Alex as it seemed to get closer.

“What is it, Tobs?” Alex cocked her head, looking at Tobin curiously.

“You don’t hear it?” Tobin frowned.

“Hear what?”

Tobin’s eyes flew open as the beeping became unbearable. It took her a moment to adjust to her surroundings and her heart sunk. She was in her bed in her hotel room she shared with Morgan. Turning on her side, she squinted to see the alarm, knowing that was the cause of the beeping.

It was a dream.

“Well shit,” Tobin muttered under her breath, deflated.

“Game day,” Morgan murmured from her bed, unwilling to move.

“Game day,” Tobin repeated with a sigh, trying to shake her dream off. All she could picture was Alex kissing her.


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Avoiding your best friend that you have feelings for can't last forever.

Tobin avoided Alex as much as she could that day. If Alex would ask, she knew to say it was just the game getting to her, but Alex never asked so Tobin didn’t have to lie. She spent of the time before they loaded the bus in her room, and Morgan was nice enough to keep her company. The midfielder was really taking a liking to the new girl. She was willing to learn, but also had a few tricks up her sleeve when it came to the field. They were both mindlessly scrolling on their phones when a question popped into Tobin’s head.

“Are you sad that you didn’t make the lineup this game?”

The rookie looked up from her phone and replied with a shrug. “Not really. I mean, yeah it sucks, but I got my first cap last game and it’s my first camp. Not too bad.”

Tobin smiled at her. “I like your way of thinking, Moe.”

“Your way of thinking isn’t so bad either,” Morgan chuckled softly, putting her phone to the side. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

The blonde paused before opening her mouth, as if not sure if she could continue, but she did anyway. “Are you and Alex okay?”

“What do you mean?” Tobin’s ears perked up in interest. She didn’t know other people could notice so quickly. She hadn’t been too obvious in avoiding Alex…had she?

“You aren’t talking to her as much as you usually do. Actually, I think you’ve been spending more time with me than with her. Is there something wrong?” She let it stay in the air for a moment before rushing to add, “You don’t have to tell me or anything, but I’m just wondering if everything’s okay.”

The older girl sighed, putting her phone by her side. “We’re not in a fight, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Then what is it?” Morgan seemed confused.

“It’s just that I have a couple of things I need to get straight in my mind. That’s all.” Tobin tried to keep it simple, but she knew this situation was anything other than that.

“Oh,” the younger girl nodded. “Does she know that?”

“Not exactly…” she replied slowly.

The blonde took this into consideration as she said, “I think she notices, Tobs.”

“Notices what?” Tobin asked, completely oblivious.

“The fact that you’re somewhat avoiding her.”

She looked at the rookie in surprise. “She does?” To her, Alex seemed totally normal. Sure, Tobin wasn’t interacting with her as much as she always did, but the forward didn’t seem to have too much of a problem with that, at least not according to Tobin.

Morgan nodded slowly. “She’s definitely picked up on it. I catch her looking over at us when we’re with the rest of the team. She tries to get your attention, but you direct your focus elsewhere. I don’t know how much longer she can go before she thinks you’re mad at her.”

“But I’m  _not_ mad at her,” Tobin stressed, falling back onto her bed.

“I know that and you now that, but Alex doesn’t,” the blonde pointed out. “And tonight’s the last night we have together as a team. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure Alex doesn’t want to end things like this. She seems pretty confrontational.”

“Oh she is,” the tanned midfielder chuckled despite herself. There she was, getting advice from the little rookie. It was strange, really. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

“You have a lot of thinking to do today.”

Tobin let out a frustrated groan. “I really do.”

The rest of the day before they loaded the buses, Tobin stayed mostly to herself. Morgan had left to go hang out with Crystal, so she stayed in her hotel room alone and let her thoughts take over. There was no denying it any longer. Tobin had strong feelings for Alex. What was she supposed to do about it, though? It wasn’t as if Tobin could keep attempting to steer clear of the striker. Today was going to be the last day of camp and after that Tobin would be living with Alex in Portland and play with her on the Thorns. Her life was going to become Alex twenty four-seven. Not that she minded that.

Tobin was hoping for a sign from the Big Man to steer her in the right direction, but how long was this going to take? Time was dwindling and she needed to figure it out before her best friend beat her to it. What do you do when you fall for someone who’s straight? The midfielder wanted more than anything to just run over to Cheney’s hotel room and ask for advice, but she wanted to keep this to herself. No one else had to know. More people knowing would cause problems. Right now, this would stay between Tobin and the Big Man. That’s the only way to go.

Soon enough, it came time to load the buses and Tobin hopped on with her mind still completely jumbled up. Her time alone hadn’t been productive at all towards the situation and she sighed as she plopped into the seat next to the newest addition of the camp.

“What are you doing here?” Morgan eyed her carefully.

“Sitting next to you,” Tobin replied her in a  _duh_  voice.

“Why?”

“Because I can,” she chuckled, nudging the younger girl playfully.

“Yeah, well Alex is gonna think you’re mad,” Morgan reminded her.

Tobin sighed, shaking her head. “I can’t…I just don’t understand how to piece my thoughts together.”

“Hate to break it to you, but your time’s running out.” The blonde’s eyes scanned the bus and she saw Alex, in her usual seat behind Cheney, looking around for her best friend. Her features deflated quite a bit when she finally found her next to Morgan. The rookie could’ve sworn she saw a flash of hurt in Alex’s eyes, but if there had been it passed too quickly as the forward turned around in her seat.

As the girls all piled into the locker room, Tobin felt someone tug lightly at her tank. She turned to see a pair of bright blue eyes looking at her curiously.

“Hey,” Tobin said softly.  It had been a couple of days since she made contact with those eyes and the sight sent a rush through her.

“Tobin, are we okay?” She was straight to the point with Tobin, there was no need to gently ease into it.

 _Moe was right._  “Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?” She raised an eyebrow at the taller girl as if nothing had changed. That was far from the truth though as she felt her heartbeat speed up and a need to reach out and make physical contact with the girl.

“You’ve kind of been distant lately,” Alex explained, eyeing Tobin carefully. “And you’ve been spending a _lot_ of time with Moe.”

“Am I not allowed to spend time with other people?” Tobin asked simply.

Alex frowned slightly. “That’s not what I meant, Heath and you know it.”

“Come on, we need to get ready for warm ups,” the midfielder quickly said. “I’ll talk to you later.” With that, Tobin turned and dashed off to get changed.  _You can’t put this off forever._

It had been a night history was made with Abby breaking Mia’s record. Because of that, Tobin wasn’t mad or upset she didn’t get to play that game. Sure, it was her home state, but tonight was Abby’s night and she wanted to enjoy it instead of thinking negatively. After the game, Tobin lingered more around Morgan. She and Alex exchanged a few light hearted conversations, but by the way Alex would look at her every once in a while she knew she couldn’t hide forever.

As the team loaded the bus, Tobin decided to take her usual seat back next to Alex.

“Hey stranger,” Alex half-teased when she noticed Tobin in the seat next to her.

“Sup,” Tobin laughed softly.

“Hey,” Lauren turned to face them from her seat in front. “We’re gonna go out and celebrate tonight. You two in?”

The forward looked from Lauren to Tobin before replying to the invitation. “Um, I think we’ll sit this one out.”

Tobin didn’t have to ask to know that Alex was definitely going to try to get answers out of her tonight. Instead of arguing with Alex on not going out, she turns to her good friend in front of them. “No more Cheney-Twelve, huh?”

Lauren grinned, though they were getting emotional about it earlier that night. “Nope. Next time, it’s Holiday-12.”

The ride back was silence between Alex and Tobin. They both were listening to music or involved in a conversation that didn’t include the other. Just being this close to the striker made Tobin hyper aware of her surroundings. Their arms bumped into each other and she felt on fire. Why can’t things be how they usually are? Why does this have to happen? As they arrived at the hotel, everyone quickly showered and changed into anything that wasn’t a training uniform or game day jersey. After a majority of the team left the hotel, Tobin decided to hop into the shower, taking her sweet time. Alex had requested that they meet in her hotel room since Ali was leaving with their other teammates. After a hot shower and changing into some old boxers and a UNC t-shirt, she slipped on some shoes and made her way to Alex’s room.

“Hey,” Alex greeted as she opened the door. Tobin walked in after a moment of taking Alex in. Her hair was wet and moved over to one shoulder. She was in a sports bra and tank with shorts that were questionably too short. It took a lot for Tobin to look away as she sat on Ali’s bed.

Alex takes a place on her bed, just watching Tobin. The midfielder makes it seem like she doesn’t mind this at all, but inside of her she knows her heart beat is speeding rapidly. The intensity of those blue eyes is enough to make her knees weak and she’s already sitting down. She focuses her eyes on the edge of Alex’s bed, trying to figure out what to say next.  _How do you tell her this? Should you even say this? If you don’t, you ruin a friendship. If you do, you ruin a friendship._  It seemed like a lose-lose situation to Tobin and she didn’t know which way to would better – if there was a better option.

The silence took a toll on Alex. She grew impatient, knowing Tobin was never one who was good with words. She stood up and began pacing the room. Tobin didn’t stop her. “Time’s up,” the younger girl announced. “Why are you acting so weird?”

“I’m not acting weird,” Tobin stated as if this was the pure truth. She decided she’d try denying things one last time.

“Cut it out, Tobin,” Alex rolled her eyes, now becoming annoyed with the act. “You’re avoiding me almost every minute of the day. You don’t seem interested when we talk at all.” A thought flashed through Alex’s mind and she whipped her head to face Tobin when she stopped pacing. “Is this your way of saying you don’t want to move in with me anymore?”

At this, Tobin’s head shot up, meeting Alex’s eyes for the first time. She immediately noticed the hurt and disappointment they held. Quickly, she shot off the bed and made her way to Alex. “What? No Lex, that’s not what this is about. No, I want to move in with you. I swear.”

“Then what  _is_  it? I don’t understand,” she asked her best friend exasperated. “You can tell me anything.”

Tobin tries, but the words struggle to leave her throat. “I…” She can’t say it, no. Not only is it the fact that she’s never been one with words, but when those words could make or break a friendship Tobin’s not even close to being at ease. Her eyes flicker to anywhere else in the room. She thinks that with just one look, Alex will be able to read her mind.

“Aren’t we closer than this?” Alex asks her, the rasp in her voice a bit more than usual.

She was hurting and Tobin could sense it. She realized she was hurting her best friend without meaning to, and if she didn’t say anything now, they could fall into major problems. Sucking in her breath, she took a look at the forward, who’s blue eyes pierced  into her as if searching for the answers she needed, but isn’t sure she was ready to hear.

In the next moment, Tobin’s mind shut off. She took two quick strides towards Alex. Without a word, she cupped the younger girl’s face in her hands and pressed her lips against hers. Tobin wasn’t thinking anymore, all she wanted was to tell Alex without actually telling her. She felt Alex tense for a moment, but her body refused to pull away. After a beat, the striker relaxed and much to Tobin’s surprise kissed her back.

Alex’s hands found Tobin’s hips and tugged her closer. They kissed and kissed, neither really understanding what was going on. Their minds refused to process any of it, and Tobin was more than grateful for that. She couldn’t get enough of Alex’s taste. She was sweet and warm and Tobin wanted more. They were pressed up against each other and Tobin couldn’t tell if she could feel Alex’s heartbeat or if it was her own.

Minutes later, Tobin’s brain decided to finally understand what was happening – well, part of it. Her eyes flew open and became wide as she pulled herself away from Alex. “Oh my god…” she whispered, shaking her head in disbelief. Alex looked at her, confused. “Holy….”

“Tobin?” Alex asked softly, not really sure what was going on.

“That wasn’t supposed to happen,” Tobin stammered out, still shaking her head. “That was…no. God, I’m so sorry. This was…no.” She began to back away, towards the door.

“But Tobin,” the forward tried to step closer to her, but the midfielder backed away quickly.

“Shit,” she hissed, her hand finally reaching the handle.

“Tobin wait,” Alex called out, but it was too late. Tobin opened the door and sprinted down to her room as if she was in chasing a defender down on her half of the field. She shut the door behind her and then slid down against it.

_What did you just do?_


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin would like to think it was a dream, but that's not the case.

As Tobin wakes up the next morning to the sound of Morgan’s ever-present alarm, she believes that last night was a dream. She didn’t  _really_  make out with Alex last night, it was just her mind going on overdrive. She was relieved yet disappointed at the same time at this thought. Relieved because she didn’t put anything in jeopardy and disappointed because she kind of wanted to take the risk – it was complicated.

“Last breakfast with the team,” she announced as she hopped out of bed.

“Mhm,” Morgan hummed from her side of the room. “Been great.”

Tobin laughed, throwing her pillow at the rookie. “Come on, sleepy head. Let’s get dressed and go eat.” She smiled when Morgan just turned in her bed after the pillow hit her. Shaking her head, she unplugged her phone from the charger and squinted at the brightness. She had three missed calls from Alex, and three text messages. Well, obviously the previous night wasn’t a dream anymore. She opened the messages and read them quickly.

**Tobin, are you awake? Please don’t shut me out.**

**You can’t run away from this. Don’t be scared.**

The last one caught her attention. She was just received a few minutes ago.

**Come to my room in 20 minutes. Kriegs should be gone by then. Need to talk.**

This made Tobin’s palms sweaty and her knees weak. The fact that she had actually made out with her best friend was finally hitting her. Why had she done that? More importantly, why hadn’t Alex stopped her? Quickly, she brushed her teeth and changed into sweatpants and a tank top, pulling her hair into a loose ponytail.

“I’ll meet you downstairs for breakfast Moe,” she nodded at the younger girl who was still gathering her things.

“You aren’t going to pack?” Morgan asked, raising an eyebrow.

Tobin only smirked. “Advantages of not having much luggage, kid.”

She sent a wink towards the rookie and then left the room, following Alex’s instructions. She knocked on the door and as soon as she stepped into the room, last night hit her hard in the face. It’s no surprise she craved the closeness of the previous night, or Alex’s lips on hers. She refused to meet the striker in the eye as she hears the door close and can feel the clear blue eyes on her.

They sat in silence for a few moments, as if daring each other to speak first when Alex finally decided to say something. “Is there something you want to say to me?”

Tobin remained silent, not really sure what to say. She knew there was so much to say to Alex, but only so little of it could form in her throat.  The two stayed silent for a while. Alex looked at Tobin, expecting an answer and Tobin shifted uncomfortably under Alex’s gaze. The forward wanted more than anything to force answers out of Tobin, but that’s not how it worked. Tobin never responded well to questions being fired at her because it just stressed her even more, so Alex just looked at her hoping that would be enough to get her to speak.

Three minutes seemed like forever to the both of them that it surprised Alex when Tobin finally spoke. “What happened last night wasn’t supposed to happen.” Her eyes still refused to look anywhere but her legs, but Alex knew this was better than Tobin not speaking at all.

“Was there a reason it happened?” The forward pressed on. She was determined to get to the bottom of this and Tobin knew it. Alex was never willing to back down.

Usually Tobin could read her like a book, but today Alex seemed to be unreadable. She didn’t know what was going through Alex’s mind and she was unsure if that thought scared or comforted her. What did she think of last night? If she was disgusted by it, she was doing a very good job at hiding that. “N-no,” Tobin stuttered. “It was stupid and reckless and it won’t happen again,” she managed to say. She was attempting damage control because she was still convinced Alex was straight and wouldn’t like Tobin anyway.

An awkward beat of silence passed between them and Tobin was sure that Alex was about to make it clear it wasn’t to happen again when she felt Alex’s hand touch her knee gently. “But what if I want it to happen again?”

The midfielder’s head snapped up while the question rung in the air. She studied her best friend’s features, trying to get a good read on her. The only thing she could tell was that Alex was being honest. That was enough to get her heart to pound louder. “What?”

“You heard me,” Alex accused, a ghost of a smile on her lips.

Tobin allows herself to let out a small chuckle. “I’m honestly not entirely sure I did.”

“Then let me make it simple for you,” the younger girl had the slightest smirk on her face as she leaned in and closed the gap between them.

The midfielder responded almost immediately to what was happening. She kissed Alex back gently, careful not to cross any lines that would throw her into danger. Alex didn’t seem to care though as she deepened the kiss, causing Tobin to grab her waist and lay down on the bed. Their tongues quickly found each other and began to wrestle and Tobin had to stop herself from smiling at how competitive Alex was no matter what. Finally, Alex was able to dominate her and after exploring a bit more, her lips left Tobin’s as they trailed their way down her neck.

Tobin didn’t really have much of a chance to catch her breath because it hitched as Alex ran her teeth at her pulse point. She closed her eyes, savoring this because she knew this was what she wanted, but they didn’t have the whole morning to themselves. “Alex,” she panted, trying to even her breathing. “Breakfast.”

“Now?” Alex whined into the crook of Tobin’s neck. She was enjoying the new places she’d never before let her lips go.

“Yes, unless you want the team to think we’ve gotten kidnapped or something,” Tobin chuckled.

The striker let out a small groan put pulled away from Tobin’s neck. “Fine,” she pouted as she took Tobin’s hands off her hips and stood upright. Tobin quickly did the same and they went out the door, but her skin was still electrified by Alex’s touch.

The two walked into the room animated in conversation, really just lost in each other. Their teammates picked up on this and let out a small sigh of relief because whatever was going on the previous days with Tobin was over. As they sat down at the table after getting food, Tobin looked at Morgan, who was sitting next to her. Morgan sent her a smile, knowing that whatever was going on before was now solved. Tobin winked in return before focusing her attention on Alex.

Nothing too eventful happened during breakfast and no one really noticed anything out of the ordinary. No one notice stolen glances and small gestures under the table between the two. After everyone finished eating, they all packed and went their separate ways. About half of the team was at the airport, awaiting their flights to be called.

“So everything’s good now?” Morgan asked Tobin as they sat together.

Tobin’s eyes followed Alex while she ordered some coffee not too far away. “Yeah, everything’s great,” she smiled, thinking about the feeling of Alex’s lips against her skin.

Lauren’s flight was called and Tobin immediately attacked the taller girl with a tight hug. “This was the last camp as a Cheney!”

Lauren laughed, hugging Tobin back. “I know, but I’ll be seeing you and Alex at my wedding, right?”

“ _Duh_ , I don’t wanna miss watching you trip on your way down the aisle,” Tobin laughed.

“Shut up, we both know that would probably be you,” but Cheney laughed anyway.

As Lauren said her goodbyes, the next flight called was Tobin and Alex’s. They said their goodbyes and Tobin hugged Morgan last.

“I’ll see you next camp,” Tobin smiled.

“If I get called up,” the rookie reminded her.

“I think you will. I need my favorite rookie around anyway,” Tobin winked, ruffling the blonde’s hair before walking away with Alex.

“Moe’s adorable,” Alex laughed as they got in line.

“Definitely. She’s pretty rad,” Tobin grinned.

“But I’m pretty cool too, right?”

“You’re alright,” the midfielder teased, which earned a light shove.

As they boarded, neither spoke about this morning. They were afraid it might change the mood between them, which was all teasing and maybe a bit more flirtatious than usual. Neither fell asleep, just really enjoying each other’s company. Each grew bolder with their moves. At one point, their hands had been intertwined.

Once they arrived to Alex (and now Tobin’s) apartment, Tobin set her bags aside as she took in the small home. “Hmm…I could get used to calling it home.”

“I like the sound of that,” Alex grinned, approaching her. “Our home.”

Tobin turned and smiled at her. “Yup. Our home. Casa of Alex and Tobin.”

Alex’s fingers curled around the belt loop of Tobin’s jeans tugging her closer. “We haven’t been alone since this morning.”

“We haven’t…” Tobin tried to keep her breathing even as she eyed Alex carefully before her eyes stuck to those pink lips. She had so many questions as to what this meant for them. How long had Alex been wanting this? She was too afraid to ask any of those questions, though. She didn’t want to make it complicated between them. Answers could come later, though. She wrapped her arms around Alex’s neck before leaning in and kissing her sweetly. Alex smiled into the kiss, tugging Tobin even closer to her before wrapping her arms around her waist.

After a few minutes of exploring each other’s mouths, Alex led the both of them to the couch, where she lay with a hovering Tobin. She felt Tobin’s hand slip on under her shirt and her fingers run across Alex’s bare skin. It sent a chill down Alex’s spine as she ran her hands through Tobin’s hair. She knew there were questions they both needed to answer, but that wasn’t going to happen any time tonight, and she was okay with that. Right now she just wanted to enjoy the moment.


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's perfect, but what do you call it?

The first few weeks were pure bliss for Alex and Tobin. Quickly growing accustomed to a place to call home, routines became natural for the two. Tobin’s bed still hadn’t been used since she moved in because every night she’d fall asleep with the young striker in her arms in Alex’s bed. Since the day Tobin moved in, things did change between them, but it didn’t change the dynamics. Sure, maybe they kissed and maybe did a bit more than make out now, but they were still best friends anyway. Neither came to question it afraid that the other might back out of whatever they had started. For now they enjoyed being friends who did more than just friend activities.

Tobin was making breakfast one morning because Alex had a game that evening and she didn’t want her to be up to too much before she had to play. She was just popping some bread into the toaster when a voice from a few feet away made her smile.

“You look cute when you cook,” Alex cooed softly, prancing her way over to Tobin. Her hair was loose on her shoulders and it was obvious she had just woken up.

The midfielder turned to face the taller girl. “Just like how you look cute when you do…everything?”

“Oh, so I looked cute last night?” Alex smirked, quirking an eyebrow.

A blush immediately rose to Tobin’s cheeks and she turned away and put the scrambled eggs on the table. “Shut up,” she mumbled.

The younger girl couldn’t help but laugh at Tobin’s sudden discomfort. She helped set the table and then hooked an arm around the shorter girl’s waist. “Thank you for breakfast.”

“I had to – it’s game day,” she grinned eagerly. “Don’t want you running around with an empty stomach.”

“You’re coming to watch today, right?” Alex asked in confirmation after pecking Tobin’s forehead gently.

Tobin hummed in confirmation as the toaster made a noise. “Yup, I’ll be on the sidelines with you. Coach wants me to watch from field level and take things in mind.” She slipped out of Alex’s grip quickly grabbing the toast and running back to the table to drop them on the plates.

Alex couldn’t help but laugh. “You should’ve taken the plates over to the toaster.”

“I do what I want,” the dirty blonde stuck her tongue out.

“Well you made me breakfast so I can’t complain,” the forward shook her head, taking her seat at the table. “In eight days from now, you’ll be playing with me!” To say she was excited for this was a complete understatement. The way her team had been playing lately had definitely been stressing her out, but she knew Tobin could help fix it when she would start to play with them.

“Hopefully,” Tobin chuckled taking a bite out of her toast. “I’m starting as a sub, anyway.”

“You’re gonna be put in, I know it,” Alex gave her a reassuring smile before digging into her breakfast. “Why don’t you cook more often?” She let out a sigh of satisfaction as she took a bite of the scrambled eggs. They were better than her mother’s.

“Cause you’re usually the one who cooks,” Tobin pointed out like it was obvious. “Plus, I usually live off of snacks, remember?”

“How can I forget when every week we go grocery shopping you beg me to buy you five bags of chips?” Alex rolled her eyes as if she were annoyed, but the two knew that wasn’t the case. In fact, Alex found it adorable. When it came to going to the grocery store, there were moments when Tobin would act like a child who felt like she absolutely  _needed_  that snack or else she’d die from not having any. There were little things that she learned about Tobin just from living with her (aside from the fact she was a  _really_  good kisser) and she really liked those things about her. It was things people who were just friends with her didn’t know.

They ate in silence for a moment before Tobin asked, “Do you need me to finish packing your stuff?”

Alex shook her head as she swallowed down some orange juice. “No, it’s fine. I’ll finish it before we go to the stadium, babe.” Tobin’s fork froze in position as she raised an eyebrow cautiously. They hadn’t really used pet names for each other besides the obvious nicknames everyone else called them. Alex noticed her gaze, but was completely oblivious to what she could’ve been confused about. “What?”

“Nothing…” Tobin replied, slowly getting another forkful of eggs. “Just not sure if you’re gonna finish packing before we leave. You over pack anyway,” she laughed. She didn’t bring up the fact Alex had called her “babe”. If Alex thought it was okay to use it then it must be okay to use it, right? Plus, Tobin liked hearing it from Alex and having it apply to  _her_.

“There’s nothing wrong with over-packing,” the forward pouted. “Plus I haven’t even decided which dress to wear to the wedding!”

The midfielder laughed, shaking her head. “Babe, the wedding’s tomorrow. Just pick one – you’re going to look gorgeous either way.” It felt nice having the word  _babe_  roll off her tongue so effortlessly and towards the forward.

A blush quickly rose to Alex’s cheeks. “Thanks Tobs.” They continued to eat in silence, enjoying each other’s company as they had been doing every day.

—

“Hey, you played good today,” Tobin told Alex as she followed the taller girl into their home. Their ride home had been eerily silent with Tobin driving and Alex fuming. She had put on a nice face as she met up with fans and exchanged a few words with Sydney and HAO, but as soon as she left the stadium with Tobin, she began fuming once more. Anyone could see just how frustrated the forward getting during the game, and it was upsetting because she was actually trying really hard.

“Bullshit Tobin,” she snapped, tugging her hair out of the ponytail it had been in for the past few hours. “Every fucking shot was either off or straight to the keeper! I’m practically getting worse every damn game.”

The midfielder quickened her pace to catch up to Alex who was already at the door of her (practically _their_ ) bedroom. She grabbed Alex’s hands forcing the younger girl to face her. “Alexandra, don’t you dare say that. You’re not getting worse. You were playing really good tonight. You just weren’t getting the service you needed. If there had been better passes or your team was in better positions on the field, it would’ve created more opportunities. I’m not promising that with my presence alone that the team will get better and connect, but I am saying that when I’m on that field I’ll do everything I can to help the team, including giving you the service you deserve.”

Her eyes never left those piercing blue ones for a split second. Sure, for the most part they were playful and teasing each other, but this was one of the reasons they’d remained so close for so long. They knew when the other needed a serious moment. They knew how to calm each other down.

Alex hung on to every word that was spoken. She didn’t care if it ended up not being true – she believed it because it was Tobin, and Tobin never lied. Just looking at those soft brown eyes made her feel at home. She let those words hang in the air between them for a few minutes before cupping Tobin’s face tightly and smashing their lips together. She was fueled by frustration and anger and she needed comfort which is what she found with Tobin.

As Tobin grabbed Alex’s hips with a little force, she kicked the door open, leading the two of them into the room. On the way to the bed, both of their shirts had been removed and tossed of one corner of the room or the other. Alex spun them around just before they hit the bed, forcing Tobin to be the one whose back fell onto the bed. She pulled away from Tobin’s lips to begin kissing down her neck sloppily until she found a spot to suck on. They both knew there was going to be a mark in the morning.

“D-don’t you have to finish packing?” Tobin mumbled in between her moans.

“Fuck packing,” Alex mumbled against her skin before finishing what she started while Tobin fumbled with her jeans.

—

The next morning, Tobin woke up to the sound of an alarm. She grinned when she realized the song Alex had chosen as their alarm had been ‘Wonderwall’. It had always kind of been “their song” even if they hadn’t really talked about it. The midfielder blinked slowly as she adjusted to the light, looking down at Alex, who instead of waking up, curled more into Tobin. Tobin’s arms were tightly around the forward’s hips, keeping her close. Their bare legs were intertwined under the sheets and she didn’t have to look to know they weren’t wearing any clothes. She watched Alex for a moment, noticing how peaceful she looked and not wanting to disturb that, but knowing she had to.

“Lex, we need to get up. We have a plane to catch,” she mumbled into Alex’s hair.

Alex didn’t budge. “I don’t wanna,” she mumbled back in reply. “I like where I am right now.”

“Come on, Cheney’s going to kills us if we’re late.” Tobin let out a soft chuckled, rubbing the forward’s bare back softly.

This sent shivers down Alex’s spine making her curl even more into Tobin to where her forehead was against Tobin’s bare chest. “But I’m comfortable.”

Tobin kissed Alex’s hair while still rubbing her back. “Come on, please?”

Heaving a sigh, Alex forced her eyes open, looking up at Tobin. “Fine. But only for you.”

“Good,” Tobin grinned. “Nice song choice by the way,” she smirked.

The younger girl giggled. “I knew you’d like it,” she replied before pecking Tobin’s lips and slipping out of bed. She turned and made her way out of the room to the bathroom, stretching. Tobin found no reason to hide the fact she was totally checking the other girl out. Her hair was a total mess, but it still ran down her back effortlessly. Her eyes focused on Alex’s ass until Alex turned the corner.

“Damn,” Tobin muttered, slipping out of bed. She walked over to the drawer, pulling back her hair to reveal a dark mark. “Shit Alex,” she groaned.

Two hours later, they were at the airport ready to catch an early flight to LA. It was only then, while Alex was keeping herself occupied with her twitter, that questions started coming to Tobin. What  _were_  they? Was there a line they shouldn’t be crossing? Shouldn’t they define this relationship…or thing…or whatever this was?

These questions had been at the back of Tobin’s mind for weeks now, but there were new ones coming to mind. What were they supposed to tell their friends and teammates? Were they even going to tell them? And if they didn’t, would anyone notice? Would she and Alex make it noticeable? How were they even supposed to act around them? She knew she needed to figure this all out before seeing her old friends and teammates in a few hours, but she never liked talking about things and Alex knew that. Meanwhile, Alex didn’t seem to mind this whole casual kind of thing going on and Tobin wasn’t sure if it bothered her or not.

“Nice hickey,” Alex smirked, snapping Tobin out of her thoughts.

Tobin playfully glared at her, moving her hair so it covered her neck. “You’re evil.” When were they going to talk about this?


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Defining relationships may be easy, but how's hiding it from girls you practically spend your life with?

The plane ride was fine between the two, but Tobin didn’t dare voice her worries because she was afraid of who might hear her. Instead, she let her leg press up against Alex’s as a means for comfort. After they arrived, Tobin had to hold herself back from hooking her arm around the forward or holding her hand because she knew cameras could click at any given moment. They made their way to the hotel they would stay in for a couple of nights as threw their luggage to the side.

“Traveling always wears me out,” Alex sighed as she fell onto her bed.

“Me too,” Tobin admitted, crawling onto the same bed as Alex instead of going to her own. “We still have a few hours before we should get ready.”

The forward opened her arms up for Tobin to snuggle into. “What do we do until then?”

“I dunno,” the older girl shrugged as she allowed Alex to wrap her arms around her waist. “I feel like here’s a pretty comfortable place to be.”

Alex grinned at the midfielder, kissing her forehead softly. “I agree.”

They lay in silence for a moment, enjoying their time alone together. Tobin mulled over her thoughts in her head, knowing she had to figure her concerns out sooner or later. Alex was not helping the case however while she let her lips run along Tobin’s neck.

“Lex?” Tobin murmured softly. Alex hummed in response, not letting her lips leave Tobin’s neck. “So…what are we?”

The younger girl pulled away from her teasing to look at Tobin. She knew better than to ask what the older girl meant. It had been dancing around her mind as well. “We’re…” She thought for a few minutes, but no answered came to her. It was what Tobin had expected.

“Exactly. I know we’re best friends but…what else?” The dirty blonde bit her lip, praying that Alex didn’t want to back out of what they had now.

“Well,” Alex said, propping herself up on her elbow so she could look down at the other girl. Tobin noticed the way her bun was coming undone and the stray hairs were surrounding her face. She liked that. “I really like you, Miss Heath.”

Tobin’s heart swelled at the sound of that sentence, but instead of being serious, she decided to go with her sarcastic answer. “Really? I couldn’t tell with all the kissing and sex and cuddling.”

The younger girl couldn’t help but laugh, swatting Tobin’s arm lightly. “Shut up, dork.” When she received a cheeky grin from Tobin, she continued. “So we’re basically together, right?”

The midfielder thought for a second before nodding in confirmation. “We’re together.” When Alex smiled at her, she couldn’t help but smile back. But then her fears popped in mind again. “You want this, right?”

Alex let out a laugh before resting her hand on Tobin’s hip. “Babe if I didn’t want this, I would’ve kicked you out of my bedroom a long time ago.”

Tobin couldn’t help but giggle at the statement. She was now reassured that this wasn’t something that was hanging by a thread. She knew Alex wouldn’t cut this off at any given moment because  _she wanted Tobin as much as Tobin wanted her_. “So…do we tell our teammates or..?”

At this, Alex hesitated a bit. “Tobs, I…”

“I’m not ready either,” the older girl admitted, knowing exactly what Alex was hesitating for. “We don’t have to tell anyone now. I just didn’t know if you wanted to.”

The younger girl immediately relaxed at Tobin’s words. “You’re the best.”

“It’s the swag,” Tobin smirked, her playfulness returning after her concerns had been resolved.

Alex let out the laugh Tobin adored so much. “Shut up and kiss me.”

—

A couple of hours later, the duo was on at Lauren Cheney (now Holiday)’s wedding. They sat amongst a few of their teammates, and Tobin teared up quite a bit with A-Rod, but she’d deny it when Alex joked about the tears. Once the actual ceremony was over, everyone made their way to the reception hall. Alex and Tobin were very good at keeping their hands to themselves throughout the afternoon, but when dinner came around Alex couldn’t help it anymore. Her hand slid onto Tobin’s thigh under the table.

Tobin was in the middle of saying something to Sydney when she felt Alex’s hand on her thigh. Her sentence faltered a little, but she quickly composed herself and continued. Without looking, she knew Alex was smirking down at her food. She decided to rest her hand on top of Alex’s, almost as if it was hovering.

“So how’s Portland?” Casey asked her, moving the conversation along.

“It’s pretty good,” Tobin told her, grinning. “My roommate’s alright though. Could be better.”

Alex gasped, her hand pulling away from Tobin’s thigh. “Hey! I’m right here!”

“Exactly,” she gave her girlfriend a cheeky grin that had Alex forcing herself not to kiss her on the cheek.

“Asshole,” Alex pouted, going back to her food.

“Seems like I haven’t missed much between you two,” Shannon Boxx commented, laughing at the usual antics of her younger friends.

“Not at all,” Kelley laughed, shaking her head at her best friends.

Alex and Tobin snuck a glance at each other, knowing their friends had no clue what had changed in the past few weeks. Instead of correcting them, they allowed them to believe whatever they want.

“So…A-Rod’s married, Cheney’s married, who’s next?” HAO asked, raising an eyebrow.

Sydney’s eyes narrowed on Tobin with a small smirk. “Two years, Tobin.”

Tobin almost choked on her drink. “Me?!”

“Next in line is a new kid,” Shannon laughed, picking up on what the others were thinking.

“Time to go look for a boyfriend,” Sydney said in a sing-song voice.

Tobin’s eyes flashed to Alex, who matched her look before looking down at her plate. The both of them grew quiet, making everyone at the table look at them strangely, until Sydney broke the silence.

“There’s already a guy, isn’t there?!” Sydney gasped, dropping her fork.

Alex’s eyes stayed glued to her food, not sure how to answer anything without giving everything away. Tobin swallowed her food and looked at Sydney with a raised eyebrow. “What?”

“Who is it?” Sydney pressed, convinced Tobin had a new man. “Alex knows, right? Al, who is it?”

“There’s no boyfriend!” Tobin groaned, her hand finding Alex’s thigh, squeezing it gently. She needed Alex’s help on this one.

“Are you sure?” The striker asked, looking for Tobin and Alex.

“Yes, there’s no one, Syd,” Alex laughed softly, taking a sip of her wine. “Trust me, I’d know if there was. I live with her.”

“Besides,” the midfielder shrugged. “I have everything I need right now. My life’s pretty great,” she grinned, her eyes meeting Alex’s as she found her girlfriend’s hand under the table.

Alex couldn’t help but smile back as she intertwined their fingers together. “Yup. I’d have to agree.”

Kelley rolled her eyes. “I swear, sometimes I have to remind myself you two would never date because you act a lot like you do.”

At this, the two blushed and looked down at their food when the conversation was thankfully moved to a different subject. When no one was paying attention to them, Tobin winked at the younger girl with a smile.

“So,” Lauren said, able to slip away from the attention shorty to talk to Tobin. “Admit you like Alex yet?”

“Nope,” Tobin answered with her eyes on the dance floor. Her eyes were on Alex, who was happily dancing with a few of their teammates. She loved seeing Alex be so carefree for once and not have to worry about anything.

“I see the way you look at her,” Lauren said softly, watching Tobin and knowing exactly what Tobin was looking at. “There’s something there, Tobs.”

If anyone besides Alex knew her best, it was Lauren. Tobin knew she couldn’t hide this from Lauren forever – the girl would find out eventually, but it was still all relatively new to both Alex and Tobin. She couldn’t share anything like this right now. “Whatever you say, Cheney.” Her eyes never left her favorite forward.

“Holiday,” Lauren corrected, a grin on her face.

“No way,” Tobin laughed, facing her taller friend. “You’ll always be Cheney to me and the team.”

“I think I can live with that,” Lauren chuckled softly. “We’re not kids anymore.”

“But we’ll always be the New Kids,” the shorter girl reminded Lauren.

“You, me and A-Rod, buddy.” Lauren sighed happily. “Always the closest. Never keeping anything from each other.”

That made Tobin squirm on the inside. It was as if Lauren was reading her thoughts. “Yeah…” she echoed softly. How much longer until Lauren found out?

—

What seemed like hours later, Tobin and Alex made their way back to the hotel. As soon as Tobin shut the door, she wrapped her arms around the younger girl from behind. “Tonight was nice.”

“Yeah,” Alex sighed happily as she leaned into Tobin. “You look so beautiful tonight.”

Tobin rested her chin on Alex’s neck, letting out a soft hum. “Have you seen yourself? There amount of times I wanted to kiss you…” She trailed off as she kissed Alex’s neck.

The striker giggled, but then sighed. “I kind of hate hiding this from our teammates.”

“I do too,” Tobin admitted, turning her girlfriend around so their foreheads were pressed together. “I feel like Lauren knows there’s something going on. She knows me too well.”

“And Syd, she saw the way we were acting,” she added, shaking her head. “I want to tell them, but…I can’t. I want this to stay between us.”

“Don’t worry babe, we’ll tell them when we’re both ready and sure,” Tobin promised quietly, tugging Alex’s hips gently to bring her closer.

“Good,” Alex rasped, her eyes only on the younger girl’s lips.


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old flames can stay old flames, right? Part of the past and never to return...or not.

“Babe I didn’t expect you to be home early,” Tobin said as she walked into their small home with a handful of groceries.

 

“Surprise!” Alex giggled, hopping off of the couch. “I was wondering where you went.” She walked over, giving Tobin a quick peck before helping her with the bags.

The two were very much enjoying the routine of coming home to each other. It was practically like their private getaway. No one was there to put them on edge. They didn’t have to control themselves. It was perfect.

“So how was your shoot?” Tobin asked as she searched the bags for the chips she bought.

The forward laughed softly, knowing exactly what Tobin was looking for. “It was good,” she replied, tossing the bag of chips at the shorter girl, hitting her back.

“My chips!” she squealed like a child, bending over to pick them up and then hugging them close to her protectively.

“I live with a child,” Alex rolled her eyes as she put the rest of their groceries away.

“You’re dating a child,” Tobin reminded her, grinning.

“Definitely not a child in bed,” the younger girl smirked, making her girlfriend blush furiously.

“Shut  _up_ ,” Tobin whined, pouting as she opened the new bag of chips.

They settled down on the couch, deciding to watch a game going on in Europe, Alex’s head in Tobin’s lap. One of Tobin’s hands was reaching in and out of the bag of chips while the other stroked the brunette’s hair gently.

“You’ll never guess who I ran into today,” the younger girl said casually, her eyes still glued onto the TV, watching the game.

“Who?” Tobin asked as she swallowed a mouthful of crumbs.

“Servando.” Her eyes didn’t leave the screen.

The midfielder’s hand faltered as she stroked Alex’s hair as the other froze in the bag of chips. “Oh..” She didn’t dare look down. “Was it awkward?”

“Actually, not really,” Alex admitted, looking up at Tobin who was pretending to be concentrated on the game, but she knew better. “I invited him to go out to lunch with us tomorrow.”

Tobin’s eyes immediately met Alex’s. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Aw come on Tobs,” she sighed taking Tobin’s hand and tracing patterns on it lightly. “You two were friends at one point, remember?”

This caused the midfielder to frown. “Babe, I wasn’t really friends with him. I just tried to get along with him because he made you happy.”

Alex raised an eyebrow at Tobin. “So how long have you felt something for me, Heath?”

“Longer than we both know,” Tobin chuckled softly, shrugging. It was the truth – even  _she_  didn’t know when she fell for Alex. “Wait, did you tell him?” Tobin’s mind began turning at the possibility someone besides the two of them knew

“No!” Alex’s eyes widened as she quickly answered the question. “No no no, I didn’t tell him. I wouldn’t say anything unless you were comfortable with it.”

The older girl let out a sigh of relief. “Okay, good. But I don’t want to go to lunch with him,” she frowned.

“Please baby,” Alex pouted, resting her forehead against Tobin’s. “for me?”

Tobin sighed, knowing that Alex knew damn well she couldn’t say no when the girl’s bottom lip was sticking out and those mesmerizing blue eyes that maybe looked a little more gray today. “Okay, I’ll come to lunch.”

Alex clapped her hands together, letting out a small squeal. “Yay! We’re going after practice,” she explained, pecking Tobin softly on the lips.

 _I love you_ , she thought. The thought surprised Alex, making her backtrack for a moment. Did she really just think that? They’d only been dating for a month, maybe a little more than that. There was no way.

“The things I do for you,” Tobin rolled her eyes, capturing Alex’s lips against hers softly.

 

—

 

Tobin was playing with the paper her straw had been wrapped in, tearing pieces off and throwing them at Alex. She would laugh when the younger girl gave her a death glare.

“A child. I’m dating someone who acts like a three year old,” Alex groaned, sipping her lemonade.

“If I’m a three year old, you’re a two year old,” Tobin smirked. “Don’t forget who’s older.”

“That’s not the point,” Alex laughed, shaking her head. She looked up to see Servando entering the small restaurant and raised a hand to wave him over. When he saw her, his features turned up. Tobin never really liked Servando. Sure, he was cool but she never really clicked with him.

“Hey,” Alex smiled, standing to greet him.

“Hey Lex,” he grinned, pulling her into a hug. Tobin didn’t like the fact he called her Lex. That was for her and the team, not him.

“It’s good to see you,” the striker pulled away from him and took her seat, subtly hitting Tobin.  _Play nice_ , her look said.

Holding in a groan, Tobin stood. “Hi Serv,” she gave him a fake smile.

“Sup Tobs,” he chuckled, pulling her into a loose hug. She didn’t like him calling her Tobs. That wasn’t for him.

Once they were all situated, Servando and Alex quickly dove into conversation, and Tobin didn’t really mind. She liked being kind of quiet around Servando – that way she didn’t have to hear his voice as much towards her. She picked up the pieces of paper she had been throwing at Alex and dropped them in a pile on the side of the table, not really seeing a trashcan in sight.

“Making a little mountain there, Tobin?” Servando joked as he noticed what the dirty blonde was up to.

“No, just cleaning up,” she answered simply with a shrug.

“You better clean up,” Alex’s voice had a serious tone in it, but when Tobin looked at her she returned the grin present on the striker’s face. “She decided to have fun while we were waiting for you,” she explained to the man in front of them. “By throwing paper at my face.”

Tobin hummed in agreement, her hand finding Alex’s under the table. “Can’t help it. Alex thinks I’m a three year old.” She had to stop herself from smiling like an idiot when she saw her girlfriend’s features turn up from their hands making contact.

Finally, a waitress stopped by and took their orders. As they waited for their food, Alex was tracing patterns on the back of Tobin’s hand, making Tobin feel a little more at ease in the situation. She didn’t really like having lunch with her girlfriend’s ex, but it wasn’t so bad when Alex did little things to remind her who she was with now – even if it was only the two of them that knew.

Servando didn’t seem to notice anything different between them, and they were glad he didn’t. It paid off being best friends because no one questioned their affection. They didn’t show too much in public, of course. “Tobin, how was playing in Paris?” he asked her as their food arrived.

Tobin was surprised that the conversation suddenly turned to her. For the majority of it, it had been Alex and Servando talking about random things and she would voice her opinion here or there. She took a sip of her drink before replying, “It was great, actually. I feel like I really improved.”

“You did!” Alex beamed. She was happy at how much Paris had done for her. “You’re like, a lot better than you were before. And even then you were amazing.”

Servando nodded in agreement. “You surely did. I watched the friendly against Canada after you came back and I was really impressed. Moving across the world for a few months did you plenty of good, huh?”

“Yup,” Tobin nodded, but then shrugged. “It was amazing and all, but I really missed being in the states.”

“You mean you missed me the most, right?” Alex raised an eyebrow, as if challenging her to say something different.

“I can tell you Alex really missed you,” he chuckled softly. “She was glued to her phone, dude, even more than usual.”

“Servando,” Alex’s eyes widened, her cheek reddening. She pleaded him with her eyes to stop.

But Servando knew Alex well. After all, they dated for years. He kept going with a small smirk on his face. “She was always waiting for a call or tweet. It’s like she was dating you and not me,” he joked, taking a bite of his meal.

“Serv!” she whined, reaching across the table to smack his arm.  Her cheeks were crimson at this point and she avoided looking at the girl beside her, shrinking in her seat.

The midfielder chuckled. A smirk appeared on her face as she eyed Alex. “Oh really now?” It made her really happy to know Alex did care about her. Maybe feelings had always been there between them, they just took a really long time to figure it out. After all, everyone told them they were too close to be “best friends” from the start.

Now it was Alex’s turn to tell Tobin to shut up. “Shut up, both of you. I missed you, okay?”

“A lot,” Servando added, liking the fact him and Tobin were making Alex squirm.

“Wow, if I didn’t know any better I’d think you were mine,” Tobin laughed, knowing they were treading the line with joking about it in front of others, but did it anyway.

“ _Tobin_ ,” Alex said with a warning glance. Servando didn’t notice, he just assumed Alex was just trying anything to get the two to stop.

“Don’t worry I missed you too,” she assured the younger girl, pulling her in close for a hug. “I really missed you,” she breathed out quietly, sending chills up Alex’s spine. Alex only hummed in approval before peeling Tobin off of her as she reminded herself they had someone else in their presence.

Tobin watched Servando and Alex interact for the rest of lunch, taking part in conversation only when they directed questions at her or when she felt she should speak. She watched Servando for a while and noticed the way he looked at Alex. There was something in his eyes that wasn’t there when she spoke to other people. It took Tobin all of lunch to notice it, after adding it to how at ease she seemed with his ex and how he laughed at Alex even when she wasn’t funny.

He was still in love with her. 


	9. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin's gut feeling about Servando just might be what she expected.

Tobin’s realization at the restaurant was something she kind of wished she didn’t notice. Of course Servando still loved Alex – it was Alex. They only broke up because distance was doing them no good, not because they fell out of love. But did Alex still love him too? She didn’t have a chance to observe, but by the way she kept comforting Tobin during lunch in ways Servando never noticed made her feel at ease.

The weeks passed by and everything was fine. Tobin and Alex’s rhythm remained the same, even strengthened after Tobin joined the Thorns team officially, helping the team connect in a way they hadn’t since forever. Of course, they still hadn’t told anyone about their relationship. For Tobin, it was nice having it between them for a while – like their little secret. For Alex (and also Tobin, but she didn’t verbalize it much), it was the fact that coming out to practically the whole world was still very terrifying.

There was something that changed, though. Slowly, Servando was creeping back into Alex’s life. It started with running into each other “coincidentally” at the grocery store while Tobin was with Allie. Then, it was texting each other to keep in touch. Alex wasn’t trying to hide it though, she could care less if Tobin scrolled through her phone – she had nothing to hide. But Tobin could read in between the lines, and she knew Servando was putting an effort into whatever this was. He still loved Alex and had no idea she and Tobin were together. He assumed she was still single, so he was trying to build their relationship again. Tobin didn’t share any of these thoughts with Alex. She knew Alex at most would assume she was jealous and call it cute, so Tobin kept it bottled up inside.

On a Wednesday morning, Tobin hopped off the couch, running into the kitchen after she checked her phone. She found Alex sitting at the table with her laptop in front of her. Her eyes were scanning the screen as if she was reading something.

“Lex, do you know what’s in four days?!” The midfielder bounced up and down over to the striker.

Alex raised an eyebrow at her. “Sunday?”

“Yes! And do you know what happens on Sunday?” Tobin asked eagerly.

“We play a game against the number one team in the league?” Alex watched her girlfriend, having no idea where this was going.

“Exactly! And you know who’s on that team?”

The younger girl said the first name that came to her mind when she thought of FCKC. “Cheney?”

“BINGO!” Tobin jumped up and down. “I get to see Cheney!”

Alex laughed at Tobin’s excitement, getting up from the table. “Babe, we just saw her a few weeks ago.”

“But still,” Tobin grinned. “I’m going to play her with ‘Holiday’ on her back!”

The striker giggled at her girlfriend’s grin, wrapping her arms around the girl’s middle to make her stay in place. “You’re too cute Tobs,” she smiled leaving a kiss on her cheek.

The shorter girl wrapped her arms around Alex’s next, pressing her forehead against the other. “Too cute for you?”

“Always,” Alex smiled. “Oh speaking of this weekend, Servando’s coming to visit!”

Tobin pulled her forehead away from Alex’s and gave her a questioning look. “What?”

“He has a free weekend and wanted to see more of Portland and catch one of our games,” the younger girl shrugged like it was no big deal. She kissed the top of Tobin’s head and slipped out of her embrace without much force.

Tobin allowed her slip away with her hands falling limp at her sides. “So why are you two suddenly good friends again anyway?”

Alex shrugged, hopping back into her seat in front of the laptop. “I don’t know. Just after running into him a couple of weeks ago got us talking again. I’m glad we can still be friends after a long relationship, you know?” The midfielder absentmindedly hummed in agreement, wishing Alex could notice what she did.

Well, this was going to be a difficult weekend to get through.

—

“Tobs, can you get the door? It’s probably Serv!” Alex called from the bathroom, still in the middle of drying her hair.

Tobin rolled her eyes, groaning inwardly. She didn’t know Servando was going to be coming to them, she assumed they were all meeting up. The man was trying hard, and she was very tempted to blow up in his face and tell him Alex was no longer available. “Sure,” she sighed, walking over to the door and opening it.

Servando’s smile faltered a little when he saw Tobin’s face, but it still remained nonetheless. “Hey, where’s Alex?”

“Still doing her hair in the bathroom,” she shrugged, opening the door more so the man could come inside. She shut the door behind him and ushered him to the living room. “Go ahead and take a seat, who knows how long this girl’s gonna take,” she laughed, shaking her head.

Servando let out a chuckle and did as he was told, leaning back on the couch as if he’d been there millions of times.  _Well_ , Tobin thought annoyed.  _How would he like to know me and Alex..oh wait nevermind._  She tried to shut the thought out of her mind before a blush could rise to her cheeks. Instead, she grabbed the remote, tossing it to Servando. “Watch whatever you want man, I’ll be right back.”

“Cool,” he nodded, turning the TV on as Tobin walked away.

She didn’t like being in the room with Alex’s ex-boyfriend. It made her uncomfortable and reminded her of all the times Alex would break down to Tobin when he wasn’t around or treated her badly. So instead she walked into the bathroom where Alex was still fixing her hair.

“What are you doing in here?” Alex frowned.

Tobin shrugged, leaning against the sink. “I let him watch TV. You take forever,” she teased, flicking a piece of Alex’s hair.

“Hey, not everyone’s naturally gorgeous like you,” Alex laughed, looking at her reflection and adjusting her hair.

The midfielder got behind Alex, wrapping an arm at her waist and using her free hand to move all of the striker’s hair to one shoulder. She let her lips run along the exposed skin of Alex’s neck as she mumbled, “You’re flawless, babe, no matter what you look like.” She began to leave little kisses on her girlfriend’s neck, but was careful enough not to leave any marks.

Alex closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of Tobin’s lips meeting her skin. Anything Tobin said at this moment, she would believe her. Just being with her like this had the younger girl on cloud nine. After a few moments though, Alex managed to lift Tobin’s head away from her neck with one hand. “We have a guest Tobs,” she reminded the shorter girl.

“I don’t care,” Tobin replied, trying to go back to what she was doing, but Alex’s hand held her face in place.

“Come on, we can do more of this when we get home,” Alex’s eyes held a bit of a mischievous glint at the words of her promise.

The older girl’s eyebrows raised and she smiled slowly. “Fine. I’ll go play nice with Servando.” She pecked her girlfriend quickly on the lips before walking back into the living room, sitting on the other end of the couch which Servando was occupying. The two of them sat in in silence for a few moments, letting the sounds of the TV fill the air until Tobin spoke up.

“You still love her.” It wasn’t a question because Tobin already knew the answer. She kept her eyes on the TV, awaiting the confirmation.

Servando stared at Tobin for a moment before replying. “Yeah. We didn’t…we didn’t break up because-“

“I know,” she cut him off quickly, not needing to hear the explanation. “She told me.”

As much as Tobin disliked Servando, she didn’t have the heart to say she hated him. She couldn’t, really. Sure, there were times where he didn’t treat Alex the way she should be treated, and sure he wasn’t always there, but he did try. He tried to make her happy. His temper did get in the way sometimes and so did his failure to understand just how busy Alex was, and that’s the part Tobin didn’t like. She didn’t like the way he couldn’t seem to grasp the fact Alex was a star of the soccer world and often had the spotlight on her and had to be away a lot. But Tobin understood that, and she’d stay by Alex no matter what.

“I want to show her maybe distance can work,” he finally admitted, making Tobin’s jaw clench just a little. “She hasn’t told me that there’s anyone new, so I’m hoping that she still has hope for us.”

 _There is someone new_ , Tobin wanted to tell him.  _It’s me!_  She kept these thoughts inside of her, though. “She’s happy, you know,” she told him calmly. “She really is right now and it’s great that you two are friends again, but I don’t think she wants this.”

“We’ve gone through break ups before, Tobin,” he reminded her and she knew all too well that was true. But this time it was different. This time Alex had someone else. She was with Tobin now. “We can make it through this one.”

Tobin tried to think of something smart to say that wouldn’t give anything away, but she ran out of time to think as Alex walked into the living room. “I’m ready,” she announced.

“About time,” Tobin rolled her eyes in a playful manner, standing up. “I think you’re taking Ali’s role of being a diva.”

Alex laughed, shoving Tobin lightly. “Shut up.”

Servando simply smiled at the sight of her and turned off the TV. “Ready to go, ladies?”

“Yup!” Alex smiled, linking her arm through Tobin’s. She caught the midfielder’s eye and sent a smile her way. “Let’s go.”

Tobin did her best to stay on good behavior that night. It was hard with Servando practically drooling all over her girlfriend, but she knew she had to stay calm. He was being a little too friendly with her by brushing his arm against hers, teasing a little too much where it was borderline flirting, and many things that made Tobin want to just straight up grab Alex and kiss her. But she couldn’t, so she’d keep her hand at the small of Alex’s back, or hold her hand when no one could see, or rest her hand on Alex’s leg. It made her happy when Alex didn’t flirt back, or when she leaned into Tobin a little. The midfielder could tell that the man was a little annoyed that Tobin was tagging along, but she didn’t care. Alex wanted her there so that counted for something.

“Someone was being touchy tonight,” Alex raised her eyebrows at Tobin after they got home that night.

Tobin shrugged shyly, making it no big deal. “What can I say? I like making sure you’re close.”  _And that you’re mine, not his,_ she didn’t add.


	10. Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weekends involving Servando are no fun for Tobin, but add Lauren Holiday into the mix and things might get interesting.

“CHENEY!” Tobin attacked the fellow New Kid as soon as she walked out of the locker room in normal clothes after their game.

Lauren laughed, dropping her bag to catch Tobin who was jumping onto her as if she’d just scored a goal. “Tobin, this is the third time you’ve come at me like this. First when my team got to the field, then after the game and lastly right now. I mean, I know I’m all that, but you have to tone it down,” she teased.

The shorter midfielder snorted, hopping off of her friend. “Oh don’t let it get to your head. It’s like she’s the star of the NWSL and thinks she has the right to be a little shit.”

“Oh right,” Lauren smirked. “That’s your job.”

Tobin simply rolled her eyes and shoved her friend lightly. “So you’re up for dinner tonight?”

“Yeah, we don’t leave until maybe noon tomorrow,” her friend shrugged. “Who’s going?”

“Alex is bringing along Servando,” she frowned. “He came over for the weekend to visit her.”

“You need me to come along with you because even though they broke up you still can’t stand being around him,” Lauren guessed.

Well, that’s mostly it, Tobin thought. “Bingo, come on let’s go!” She grabbed Cheney’s arm and dragged her over to where Servando and Alex at the gate of the stadium. “Hey,” she said a bit loudly, interrupting their conversation.

Alex’s smile only widened at the sight of Tobin. “You found Cheney,” she laughed, then hugged the tall girl. “You were amazing.”

“But you were too,” Lauren laughed, hugging her back then nodding at Sevando. “Hey, it’s been awhile.”

“Yeah,” Servando smiled. “Good to see you again. Strange not seeing ‘Cheney’ on your jersey anymore.”

Lauren only smiled back, shrugging. “You get used to it. So,” she clapped her hands together, looking around the little circle they formed. “Where are we going for dinner?”

“Sushi?” the striker suggested, and once everyone agreed, they all began to exit the stadium.

“Hey Lex,” Servando said, causing Tobin’s jaw to clench a little. “You should just ride with me so Tobin’s car isn’t too full. And plus, you can tell me where to go.”

Alex’s eyes met Tobin’s for a moment hesitating. Tobin’s jaw had clenched even more at the sound of Servando’s suggestion and she had tensed up a little. “Uh…”

Lauren noticed the interaction and realized something was going on. “Yeah, go ahead Alex. Tobin and I need to catch up anyway, right Tobs?”

By the look she was receiving from her friend, Tobin knew Lauren was catching on. “Right uh…see you there,” she nodded.

“Okay…” Alex looked at the two strangely, then shrugged it off and followed Servando to his car.

“Car, now,” the tall, curly-haired midfielder demanded, crossing her arms. She followed Tobin to her car, quickly hopping into the passenger’s seat. Quietly, the two buckled up and Tobin drove out of the lot before Lauren said, “Spill.”

Tobin snuck a glance at her friend, not giving anything away. “Spill what, Cheney?”

“Something’s going on between you and Alex,” she stated factually, straightening her posture against her seat. “And you’re going to tell me.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” the shorter girl shrugged coolly. On the inside, she was panicking. Of course she knew Lauren knew her perhaps even better than Alex did, but how could she pick up on it so quickly? They’d barely been with each other outside of the game just an hour ago.

“Bullshit,” Lauren called, staring at her friend. “What are you hiding, Tobin? We’re best friends.”

Tobin sighed, keeping her eyes firmly on the road though she knew her passenger was staring hard at her. She promised Alex they wouldn’t tell anyone until they were both ready, and that’s what she had been planning on doing. “What makes you think I’m hiding something?”

“The way you reacted to Servando offering Alex a ride to dinner,” the curly haired girl admitted. “I know you’ve never liked him, but you usually stay cool around him. You looked like you wanted to rip his head off.” She frowned. “Did he do something to Alex lately?”

“No, he didn’t do anything really,” Tobin explained as they came to a stop light.

“Then what is it that’s making you tick?”

The shorter girl bit her lip, unsure of how to respond. She knew she couldn’t just tell Lauren they were dating – Alex could possibly get upset at that. Neither of them was ready to come out and spilling it might cause Cheney to tell the whole team. “He still loves her.”

Lauren gave her a confused expression. “What? What does that have to do with anything?”

“I could lose her,” she replied in a soft voice, finally voicing her biggest fear.

Though it was great being in a relationship with Alex, in the back of her mind Tobin always thought it wouldn’t last. Maybe one day Alex would wake up and realize she was straight. Maybe she’d realize she only found comfort in Tobin by being away from Servando. Maybe she’d realize that Tobin wasn’t what she wanted. It scared her because Alex wasn’t just a girl, she was Alex Morgan, the face of women’s soccer and had expectations to meet. The light turned green and Tobin hit the gas.

“You’re best friends,” Lauren said lightly, placing a hand on Tobin’s shoulder. “You could never lose Alex. Your friendship means so much to her – to both of you.”

“There’s more at stake than you think,” was Tobin’s only reply as they entered the parking lot of the restaurant.

Just as they stepped out of the car, Servando’s car parked right across from them. Tobin let out a sigh as she met eyes with Lauren.

“You won’t lose her,” Lauren promised.

“Don’t tell me things you don’t know for certain,” Tobin shot back as Servando got out of the car and opened the door for Alex.

“Thank you,” Alex smiled sweetly at him and then skipped over to Tobin, slinging an arm around her shoulders. “Hi Tobs,” she greeted with her eyes solely on the shorter girl. She even completely forgot about Lauren for a moment.

“Hi,” Tobin returned with a warm smile. She found herself getting lost in Alex’s eyes all too easily and was so tempted to kiss the striker right then and there. Her arm slid around the other’s waist as they just stared at each other like fools.

Lauren immediately picked up on this exchange and her eyebrows shot up at the two. “You know, I’m only here for one night.” She looked at Servando who was busy locking up his car.

“Mhmm,” Tobin slightly nodded, eyes still on Alex.

“Right,” Alex cooed, not any better off than her counterpart.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d assume you were dating,” Lauren baited, testing out what this would do to them. As if getting snapped out of a trance, the two’s eyes widened and they split apart, furiously blushing.

“What? You’re an idiot Chen,” Tobin forced a laugh, lightly shoving her friend.

“Yeah, you’re ridiculous,” Alex added, not meeting either of them in the eye.

“Well then…” The tallest girl had to hide a smirk at what she was witnessing in front of her. “Sensitive topic, I see?”

“Don’t push it,” Tobin warned just as Servando joined them.

“Did I miss something?” he asked, looking from Alex avoiding eye contact with everyone and Tobin who was giving Lauren a glare.

“No,” Alex’s head snapped up and she forced a small smile. “Nothing at all.Ready to eat?”

“Always,” he chuckled, and the four of them entered the restaurant.

The four took a table sitting Servando and Alex on one side and Tobin and Lauren on the opposite. Everything was smooth for the most part. The conversations were light and Lauren was quite the talker so there was never an awkward beat of silence. Though Servando attempted to flirt with Alex time and time again, Alex either refused to flirt back or just simply didn’t notice – Tobin couldn’t really tell.

There was also the tiny detail that Alex and Tobin would give each other looks when they thought neither of their guests were paying attention. And then came the little smiles that would appear when the other did something adorable or there was something only the two of them noticed. And as usual, Lauren picked up on it, but didn’t say anything.

Later on, while Servando and Alex were momentarily reminiscing about their college adventures, Lauren took out her phone and sent a text to Tobin, just to be safe that she wouldn’t be heard. When Tobin felt her phone buzz in her pocket, she raised an eyebrow, but took it out and checked her messages nonetheless.

Really though, what is going on?

Tobin’s eyes met Lauren’s then looked at the two in front of her, realizing they were still deep in their conversation. She sighed, typing back a reply.

A lot, actually.

Then, she sent a text to Alex.

Cheney’s onto us.

She placed her phone in her lap as she ate more of her dinner, making up some random conversation with Lauren to make her look less suspicious. As Servando and Alex’s conversation ended, she turned to her phone and read the message, her eyes on Tobin quickly.

“Tobin, will you come with me to the bathroom for a moment?” Alex asked politely, not making eye contact with Lauren at all, afraid that she would just blurt out what she and Tobin were hiding for about a month now.

“Uh sure,” Tobin shrugged, standing from the table.

Alex flashed a smile at Servando. “We’ll be right back, Cheney should have some interesting UCLA stories for you.” With that, she stood up and led Tobin to the bathroom.

“They’re weird sometimes, aren’t they,” Servando mused as he watched them walk away.

Lauren crossed her arms, shaking her head. “You have no idea.”

As soon as Alex finished making sure the bathroom was clear, she spun around and faced Tobin. “What do you mean by this?” She held up her phone, flashing the text in Tobin’s face.

Tobin gently pushed the phone away from her face and leaned her hip against the counter. “She’s been questioning me all night, Lex. It started in the car and I wouldn’t tell her anything. She keeps asking what’s going on between us,” she explained. “And I feel terrible for hiding it from her because she’s one of my best friends, but I don’t want to tell her if we’re not ready yet.”

Alex stayed silent for a moment, staring at Tobin as she got lost in her thoughts. Tobin knew the girl was thinking for she let her be. After what seemed like forever to the midfielder, she suddenly spoke up. “We’ll tell her.”

The older girl looked at her in surprise. “Are you sure?”

She nodded in confirmation. “Cheney’s one of your best friends in the world, and we’re pretty close, too. I think I’m ready enough to come out to her.”

A signature mega-watt grin appeared on Tobin’s face. “You’re the best girlfriend ever.” She took a step towards her and wrapped her arms around the forward in a tight embrace.

Alex laughed, hugging her back around the waist. “I don’t want this to be a burden on you. You definitely don’t deserve that.” She met Tobin in the eyes and then planted a soft kiss on her lips, allowing it to linger just for a moment before pulling away. “I’ve wanted to do that for so many times tonight you don’t understand.”

“But I think I do,” Tobin chuckled, kissing Alex’s forehead gently. “Come on, Servando’s going to think we’re taking a shit or something.”

The younger girl couldn’t help but let out her raspy laugh that made Tobin melt every time she heard it. They pulled away from the hug and walked side-by-side, careful not to make too much contact as they returned to their table.

“Have a nice time?” Lauren asked with a slight smirk on her face.

“Duh,” Tobin laughed, rolling her eyes as she took her seat.

The rest of dinner was filled with laughter and easy conversation as a weight had halfway been lifted off of Tobin’s shoulders. She didn’t have to hide it from her best friend much longer. She could live with that.

As dinner came to a close and they had paid and were making their way out of the restaurant, Servando asked, “Would you like me to drive you home? I leave tomorrow morning.”

Alex gave him a small smile, but knew she couldn’t accept. “That’s really sweet of you, but I should really ride back with Tobin. Lauren’s leaving tomorrow too, and I’ve barely got to see her.”

“We’re stopping by her hotel, by the way,” Tobin added.

“That too,” Alex laughed.

“Well, I guess I’ll text you?” Servando suggested.

“Sure,” the forward grinned, giving him a friendly hug before skipping off with Tobin and Cheney. “I call shot gun!” She then proceeded to race to Tobin’s car, her hand flying to the handle of the car door before Tobin had even unlocked the car.

“How does she have so much energy after a game like that?” Lauren groaned, shaking her head.

“Who knows, it’s Alex,” Tobin laughed.

“Tobs open the door,” Alex whined, jumping up and down like a child.

“I think there’s something we have to do before I can do that babe,” Tobin said pointedly, standing next to her.

At first, the younger girl was confused, but then as the sound of “babe” she immediately dropped her hand to her side and looked at Lauren. “Oh, right.”

“Wait, did you just call her babe?” The tall girl asked curiously, looking at Tobin, then at Alex.

“Yes she did,” Alex nodded, sliding her arms around Tobin, holding her from behind. She rested her chin on Tobin’s shoulder gently, reminding her she wasn’t alone in this.

Tobin sighed. “Look Chen, I’m sorry I hid it from you, but we weren’t ready yet.” She placed her hands on top of Alex’s, feeling comforted immediately at the younger girl’s touch. “We’re dating.”

The two held their breath as Lauren looked at the carefully. “You’re not just giving me shit because I wouldn’t stop bothering you, right?”

“No, I swear. And it’s hard for us to come out, that’s why we haven’t told anyone yet. Not even our Thorns teammates. You’re the first person we’re comfortable with telling,” Tobin explained, leaning back into Alex for more support. Alex in return kissed her cheek.

At this, Lauren seemed to be pleased and smiled. “So, who made the first move?”

The other two girls let out a sigh of relief. A weight had been lifted off of both their shoulders now that they weren’t the only ones who knew.


	11. Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex isn't around, Tobin's bored...so why not hang out with a teammate?

Tobin was home alone for what had to be the fifth time in the past two weeks. She grumpily flipped channels, bored out of her mind. Alex was out yet again with Servando. What was only supposed to be a weekend’s stay was still going on. He had come back after a few days for who knows what reason. The days he was gone had been perfect for Tobin, she didn’t have to worry about someone going after her girl. That, and Alex was actually home.

Since Servando came back, Alex agreed to almost anything he asked of her. She told Tobin it was because she was trying to build their friendship, but Tobin knew Servando just wanted to have Alex again. She let out a frustrated groan, throwing the remote back down onto the couch before grabbing her phone, dialing a number quickly.  
“Tobin?” the voice answered.

“Shimmy!” Tobin grinned at the sound of one of her favorite teammates. “What’s up?”

“Nothing really, just cleaning up after Allie’s stupid ass,” she laughed.

Tobin could hear Allie yelling in the background and only shook her head, smiling. “Are you busy the rest of the afternoon?”

There was a pause while Meleana thought for a moment. “Nope, why?”

“Wanna hang out or something?” Tobin asked, watching some stupid commercial on TV.

“Sure Tobs! Meet me at my car in ten?”

The older girl grinned. “Sounds great.”

 

“So, what are we up to today?” Shim asked as Tobin approached her.

Tobin shrugged. “We can go grab some lunch first then figure it out from there,” Tobin suggested.

Mana smiled, unlocking her car. “Only if I pick where we eat.”

“Sure,” Tobin laughed, hopping into the passenger’s seat.

The two sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes as Shim pulled out of the parking lot, letting the radio fill the space between them. Finally Shim said, “Hey Tobin?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t want to sound mean or anything,” she started, her eyes on the road but her words were being rushed. “but why are we hanging out right now? You’re usually with Alex. You two really close.”

Tobin frowned, not realizing how much time she’d been spending with Alex. “Well yeah, we’re really close. But she’s been busy lately, so I guess there are better things to do than sit around and do anything all day. I figured I should spend more time with my teammates.”

Mana nodded, accepting this answer. She liked Tobin as a person, she seemed very calm, but exciting somehow. Also, she was very genuine and caring, and Mana admired that about her. “So how does burgers for lunch sound?” Tobin only smiled.

  
  


Towards the end of their lunch, Tobin sipped the last of her Sprite as Mana finished off her fries. They sat there quietly digesting for a moment, enjoying the meal they just had. Tobin found Mana very easy to talk to. She found that she liked spending time with this younger player, and wondered why she never reached out to her before.

“So what are we going to do now?” Shim asked, happily sipping her smoothie.

Tobin thought for a moment, wanting to suggest something fun. She suddenly smiled, “Have you ever gone long boarding?”

“Not since I left Hawaii,” Mana’s eyes widened, an excited look taking over.

“Do you have one?” Tobin asked, raising an eyebrow.

The small girl shook her head, frowning. “No, I didn’t bring one down and haven’t had a chance to buy one yet.”

Tobin grinned, tugging Mana’s arm as she pulled her away from their table. “Let’s go find a shop!”

  
  


Hours later, Alex was at home, tightly clutching her phone tightly. “Pick up dammit,” she muttered, her brows furrowing.

“Hey this is Tobin, I can’t-”

“God dammit Tobin!” Alex screeched, angrily pressing the ‘end call’ button. That was the third time she had called Tobin and that was the third time it had gone straight to voicemail. “Where the hell are you?” The striker groaned, getting worried. Tobin was usually home, and if she wasn’t sure, she was sure to let Alex know where she was off too. It was ten at night, where had this girl gone? She unlocked her phone again, dialing Allie’s number.

“Hi Alex,” Allie greeted, the noises of a TV in the background. “What’s up?”

Alex rushed out her words, realizing she wasn’t breathing normally in the process. “Have you seen Tobin? She wasn’t here when I got home and if she’s out she usually lets me know where she’s off too and I haven’t heard from her and I tried calling her three times ,but they’ve all gone straight to voicemail and I really need to-”

“Al, clam down,” Allie chuckled, causing Alex to panic more.

“Why are you laughing?! This isn’t funny, Allie! What if Tobin’s hurt?” Alex was having a panic attack at this point, wondering if something terrible had happened to her girlfriend while she was out with Servando, and the thought scared her.

“Shim left this afternoon saying she was going to hang out with Tobin,” the blonde explained casually, hoping her teammate would calm down.

Alex let out a breath, a little confused. “Really?”

“Yes, they probably spent the whole day together. Now calm down.”

“Have you talked to Shim since they left?”

“No,” Allie admitted, but she didn’t seem concerned. “but Shim’s a big girl and can take care of herself. So is Tobin, remember?”

“But-” Alex tried to reason with her, but was cut off again.

“Hey Shim! Hey, Shim just came home. Tobin should be there in a moment. See, nothing to worry about.”

“Fine,” Alex pouted, hanging up her phone and tossing it onto the couch. Seconds later, the door opened revealing Tobin, her hair tied up in a loose ponytail with strands out of place. She had a longboard in hand and a smile on her face. “Tobin!” the forward exclaimed, jumping off the couch and rushing towards her.

“Lex,” Tobin chuckled softly, dropping her board to hug Alex. She wasn’t really sure what was going on, but she figured she’d go with it.

“Tobin Powell Heath,” Alex said in a stern voice as she pulled away from the hug. “You had me so damn worried.”

“Why?” The midfielder raised an eyebrow, very confused. “Did something happen?”

“Yes, I came home and you weren’t here!” Alex said, exasperated. “You didn’t tell me where you were! Do you know how worried I was that something happened to you?!”

Tobin laughed despite the situation. “Baby, I was just out with Mana. We went out to eat and then decided to longboard for a while.” She picked up her board and walked past Alex, deciding to place her the board in her room.

“Is your phone off?” Alex asked, following the older girl. “I tried calling you three times and it went to voicemail!”

“Is it?” Tobin asked, frowning. She pulled out her phone from her butt pocket and tried turning it on. “Oops I guess it is,” she shrugged, walking into her room and placing her board in one corner.

Alex was getting frustrated now. “Do you not understand you scared me?! Tobin, you can’t go around doing shit like this!”

The older girl spun around, quirking an eyebrow. “Alex, just chill okay? I’m fine, you don’t have anything to worry about. I don’t get why you’re so worked up.”

“Because I was expect to come home and see you, and when you weren’t here without any clues as to where you went, that freaked me out!” Alex snapped. “I was so scared, Tobin. I was worried something had happened.”

“Well you didn’t seem worried at all every time you’ve left me home alone lately,” Tobin shot back, not meaning to. It had slipped out of her mouth before she could stop it.

Alex looked at the older girl, unsure where the sudden remark had come from. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m just saying,” Tobin said slowly, trying to figure out her way out of this one. She didn’t want to start a fight. “You haven’t worried about me the other times you’re out with Servando.”

“Because I know you’re at home, Tobin,” Alex stated, crossing her arms. “Unless you tell me otherwise.”

“Well you can’t expect me to wait around forever,” Tobin shrugged, not meeting the taller girl’s gaze. “I have a life too, you know. You seem to be having plenty of good times with Servando, why can’t I have fun, too?”

Something wasn’t adding up to Alex. “What’s this really about, Tobin?”

Tobin’s eyes dropped to the floor immediately. Some of her loose strands were whipping at her face, but she didn’t care. This wasn’t the talk she wanted to have tonight, not after a nice afternoon without worrying about Servando. “Nothing.”

“Talk to me Tobin,” Alex pressed, taking a step closer to her. “Please, I don’t want to fight.”

“Then we’re not talking about this tonight,” Tobin simply answered, eyes still on the floor. She felt her heart thudding and her fears of losing Alex to Servando resurfaced, but she tried desperately to push those thoughts away.

“But Tobin-” She reached out to try to touch the older girl.

“I said not tonight,” Tobin said again, dodging Alex’s touch. “Goodnight Alex,” she replied, grabbing some clothes from her drawer.

Alex felt a bit hurt. “You’re not going to sleep with me tonight?” Her voice was soft, careful.

“Goodnight,” was Tobin’s only answer as she took her ponytail down. She waited until Alex shuffled out of the room, closing the door then hurled the shirt in her hand at the wall. Why did Servando have to do this to them? She was happy - they were happy. She imagined telling Servando that they were dating, and she felt sick as she imagined him becoming disgusted with the both of them. She imagined him telling the media. “No,” she said through gritted teeth. She shook her head, willing to clear her thoughts.

For the first time that night, Tobin slept in her own room since moving in. And those thoughts about coming out continued to haunt her in her sleep, leaving a tear-stained pillow for the morning.


	12. Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's their first big fight, but Tobin doesn't want to talk about it...even if it doesn't have to do with their fight.

In the late hours of the night, Alex woke up. She wasn’t sure what it was that woke her up, she just knows that she couldn’t go back to sleep. Her arm roamed to the other side of the bed and there was a pang in her chest when she realized the other half was empty. It was strange that Tobin was sleeping in her room. The bed hadn’t been used at all until now. Suddenly, she shivered missing Tobin’s arms loosely wrapped around her. She missed the warmth she gave off as they cuddled into each other. Alex replayed their conversation in her head. What was wrong with Tobin? She was holding something back from Alex, but the striker couldn’t tell what it was. Everything seemed fine, why were they having problems now?

After a few minutes of staring up at the ceiling, Alex finally slid out of bed, deciding to go see if Tobin was sleeping. She wasn’t sure why she was even bothering, the girl was probably fast asleep, but she went away. Quietly, she shuffled out of her room and a few feet down to Tobin’s. She turned the knob slowly, careful not to make any noises that would wake the older girl. Once she was inside, she saw Tobin curled into a ball on her bed. At first, Alex believed she was asleep and fine, so she turned to leave. Then, she her the sniffles and soft sobs. Was Tobin crying in her sleep? The striker spun around and closed the door quietly behind her, making her way to the opposite side of Tobin’s bed. She saw the older girl’s body slightly shaking and immediately became concerned. She crawled onto the bed sliding into the sheets. Wrapping her arms around the shorter girl’s middle, she pulled her close.

“Alex?” Tobin’s voice croaked, only another sign she had been crying in her sleep.

“Shh, I’m here,” Alex whispered, pulling the other girl even closer. She didn’t want an answer tonight - she knew better than to ask for one. All she wanted was to comfort her girlfriend and keep her tears away.

Tobin turned, curling herself into Alex’s body and digging her head into the crook of Alex’s neck, trying to swallow her tears back. Her breathing was shallow, but she was relaxing at the sudden feeling of Alex rubbing her back.

“I’m here,” she repeated softly, kissing Tobin’s hair. She felt Tobin clutch her shirt, but she didn’t mind. “It’s okay,” she murmured, trying to get the older girl to calm down. She had perhaps only seen Tobin cry once before, and even now it kind of scared her. Seeing the one person who was so chill and calm and composed no matter what break made her want to break too, but she knew she had to be strong for Tobin because every time she was in tears, Tobin was there making it better. Now the roles were reversed, only Alex didn’t know what Tobin was crying for.

Eventually, Tobin’s tears stopped and her breathing evened, allowing her to sleep peacefully curled into Alex. Alex stayed up a little longer, wondering what could cause Tobin to crumble, but ended up falling asleep, holding on tightly to the midfielder.

 

The following morning, Tobin woke up, finding herself curled into Alex and tears stained on her face. Worrying that Alex would search for answers when she woke up, Tobin slowly slipped out of Alex’s arms and got out of bed. She rinsed her face with water and then changed into some shorts and a clean new t-shirt. Tobin found a sticky note and then a pen, leaving Alex a short note letting her know she went out to clear her mind and would return shortly, if not by the time the striker woke up. She tossed the pen aside and then stuck the note onto the younger girl’s forehead, smiling at the sight of it. “See you Alex,” she mumbled before kissing her hair softly. She grabbed her longboard and made her way out of the small apartment they shared.

Tobin drove away from their apartment until she found a place to longboard in peace. She decided this time alone would be good for her. Though she was very grateful for Alex comforting her without question last night, she knew she had to be away from her girlfriend to be able to think. She made sure not to stray too far from her car, but allowed herself to ride around freely and let her thoughts free. What was she supposed to do about Servando? There was the obvious option of just telling him, but Tobin was still so terrified of telling anyone but Cheney. She knew Lauren wouldn’t judge her, and would of course support her. She felt most of the national team would react the same way Lauren did (with a few of them possibly teasing Alex and Tobin even more about the flirting), but for some reason she wasn’t really ready to tell any of them. She loved the team, she really did - they were a family, but it already took so much in Tobin to trust Lauren, even to trust herself with these feelings.

She wasn’t sure how Servando felt about gays and lesbians and honestly she was sort of scared to find out. What if he hated them? What if he was indifferent, but then when he finds out his ex he’s in love with is with a girl, he totally changes? What if he gives Alex and her hell? What if he exploits them? The questions were coming so fast at Tobin that she almost fell off her board. She let one foot touch the ground, steadying herself a little as she caught her breath. This wasn’t going well, she knew it. What was she supposed to do? She couldn’t keep Alex hidden forever, but they couldn’t afford to ruin Alex’s image in the public eye. It was one thing for Pinoe to come out, it’s a whole different situation with Alex Morgan, face of women’s soccer.

Did she love Alex? Tobin couldn’t be sure. This was all so new to her. She didn’t know she liked girls until she found her best friend. She didn’t know a girl could like her back until the morning Alex kissed her. She didn’t love Alex, no, it was too soon for that. There was definitely something, but it wasn’t that.

Sighing, Tobin picked up momentum on her board again, turning herself around and going back towards her car in the distance, trying to shake off all the bad thoughts before going home.

 

Bacon. That’s the first thing Alex sensed when she woke up. She smelled bacon coming from the kitchen. She stretched a little, feeling the other side empty once again, but then remembered she wasn’t even in her room. She was in Tobin’s room. It was a little strange, so she sat up, rubbing her eyes slowly when she felt the paper. Peeling the sticky note off, she laughed knowing Tobin had done it. She smiled at the message and placed it on the table, knowing her girlfriend had probably already come home and was making her breakfast. She walked out of Tobin’s room, not bothering to make the bed, and made her way to the kitchen, smiling a little more when she saw Tobin cooking the bacon. She leaned against the wall, watching Tobin for a moment. Her brows were furrowed as she intently watched the bacon sizzle in the pan. Once she was sure it was cooked, she moved the bacon from the pan to two plates.

“Good morning,” Alex waltzed over to her, giving her a soft peck on the cheek.

“Morning,” Tobin gave her a half-hearted smile. “How did you sleep?”

“Shouldn’t I be asking you?” Alex asked gently, not wanting Tobin to become strangely quiet as she often did when topics centered around her and not in a very good way.

Tobin shrugged, setting up the table. “I slept well when you were with me.”

“Then stay with me in my room,” the forward shrugged, a half-joking tone in her voice.

“Sure,” was all the midfielder could answer as she continued to set up the table.

Alex watched her in silence for a few seconds before asking, “Tobin, do we need to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?”

“You know what,” she frowned. “Babe, I don’t like seeing you upset like that. I want to know what’s wrong.”

“Do I look upset to you right now?” Tobin asked, looking up from what she was doing for a moment before taking the pan after it had cooled.

The younger girl sighed, knowing better than the act her girlfriend was trying to fake. “Come on, please tell me what’s going on. I don’t like fighting or trying to read your emotions. I just-”

“Alex,” Tobin said in a stern voice, placing the pan in the sink and closing her eyes. “I don’t want to talk about this. Not now. Just don’t worry about it.”

Alex stayed silent for a moment, knowing Tobin wasn’t trying to be mean, she was just frustrated for whatever reason. Tobin let the water run for a moment, cooling the pan even more before shutting it off. Alex walked over to her, wrapping her arms around the shorter girl’s waist from behind and resting her chin on the girl’s shoulder. “You mean so much to me, you know that. Even before all of this. You’ve always meant so much.”

Tobin sighed, leaning into her. “I know, Alex.”

She left a kiss on Tobin’s neck. “Whatever it is that’s bothering you will pass.”

Tobin spun around to face her. “I hope so.”

‘I love you’, Alex thought, then bit her lip wondering if this was the time to say it.

“Please don’t worry about me, it’s just some personal stuff,” the older girl said, her back against the sink with Alex’s arms still around her waist. She slid her arms around Alex’s neck, resting her forehead against the other’s.

“Is this about coming out?” Alex asked worriedly.

Tobin bit her lip, looking away from Alex’s gaze. “Sort of.”

“Are you regretting that we told Cheney? We could totally tell her we were joking,” the younger girl rushed out quickly.

“No,” Tobin chuckled a little at this. “No, I don’t regret telling her. It’s just…everyone else. And, if we tell people, your image just..”

“Hey,” Alex said, causing Tobin to look her in the eye again. “We’ll tell people when we’re ready. We’ll deal with it when we get there, okay? Right now, it’s okay to stay between you, me and Cheney. We don’t have to rush with coming out.”

Though Alex was meaning to help, it didn’t really help Tobin at all. She didn’t know if she would ever be ready to come out to the world like that, to harm Alex’s lifestyle. There was also Servando, who was still trying to win her back and Alex was either too oblivious to notice or just avoiding the subject at all times. But she didn’t let Alex know that, though. She just put on a smile, a real one because it was Alex and she was trying to help, and said, “You’re amazing, babe.”

“Only because of you,” Alex replied sweetly, kissing her softly.

  
  


“So is there a reason you called or are you just going to do some small talk?” Lauren said on the other end of the line. “If you called me just to say what’s up, that’s great Tobs, but I just saw you last week and we normal people have evolved to something I like to call ‘texting’.”

Tobin groaned, rolling her eyes. “No one appreciates your sarcasm besides Jrue, dude.”

Her friend only laughed softly. “Now tell me what’s going on.”

The younger midfielder let out a sigh, looking through the window of her bedroom. “It’s Alex.”

“Did you guys get in a fight? Is everything okay? Are you two still together?” Lauren was quickly firing away questions as soon as Tobin stopped speaking. She was worried, these two were her close friends and she would hate if things went wrong.

“We’re still together,” Tobin said when Lauren’s questions had ended. “It’s not something she did.”

“Is this Servando?” Lauren suddenly asked. “I thought he left when I did.”

“Well he always seems to be around now,” Tobin muttered. “I wish we would stop coming to visit.”

“Have you talked to Alex about it?”

The younger girl sighed, rolling around on her bed. “No, but she knows something’s wrong. We might have almost gotten into an arguement yesterday because I had been out all day with Shim and she didn’t know.”

Lauren sighed. “You can’t bottle this up forever, Tobin. And you know Alex doesn’t actually like Servando, she’s just being friendly.”

“There’s a line, you know?” Tobin pointed out. “He still loves her and she doesn’t even notice!”

“Calm down,” Lauren sighed. “We have the friendly coming up anyway, that should take time away from Servando. Just don’t let it get to you, and if it’s getting really bad promise me you’ll talk to her about it.”

“Fine,” Tobin mumbled, laying flat on her back.

“Tobin,” the older girl gave off a stern voice. “Promise me.”

“Okay okay,” she sighed. “I promise. There, better Chen?”

“Good enough,” Cheney sighed.

But what exactly was the definition of really bad?

 


	13. Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nights leading up to DC don't get any better, but perhaps a talk with a rookie could help.

Tobin’s nightmares soon became a constant. Alex would wake in the middle over the night to hear Tobin moaning and tears wetting the pillow and Alex’s shirt. In response, she’d kiss the midfielder’s hair softly, pulling her closer and rubbing her back. She’d whisper soothing words into Tobin’s ear to calm her down. It usually worked, Tobin, still in her sleeping state, would mumble apologies to Alex. Alex thought she was apologizing about causing her problems late at night, but she didn’t mind at all. She liked taking care of Tobin, yet she wanted to know what was causing the girl to act like this. She never questioned it, knowing Tobin wasn’t ready to talk. She let the girl do as she pleased, putting one the best smile the midfielder could during the day and curling to Alex at night.

For Tobin, those apologies weren’t for causing Alex trouble at night with her tears. They were in her nightmares. It wasn’t because she was scared of coming out to people - Tobin could handle that. It was Alex she dreamed about. She dreamt that they came out, or someone outed them, and then all the hate came to her girlfriend. Tobin got some hate too, but it was nothing compared to the striker’s. She dreamt of their closest friends hurting Alex in ways she couldn’t believe they could. She dreamt that this ruined Alex’s career and she was left with nothing. Lastly, she dreamt of Alex blaming her for all of it. In her dreams, the guilt suffocated Tobin, she felt so bad for causing all of it to happen. She was the reason Alex Morgan got everything taken away from her. She was the reason that Alex’s career went down the drain, the reason why no one else would love Alex like she did. It was all her.

Of course, the midfielder never voiced any of this to anyone - not even Cheney. She didn’t feel she could trust anyone with this. She believed this was her own baggage to carry and she couldn’t burden anyone with it. Though over time she figured she loved Alex more than anyone else she’s ever loved, she couldn’t say the feelings were they same. The way she still talked to men with ease when they attempted to flirt with her - although she never flirted back, even if men did mistake her for doing- made Tobin’s skin crawl. She didn’t know if this was permanent. Hell, she didn’t even know Alex liked any girls besides Tobin. How was she supposed to know this wasn’t just a faze? Especially with Servando still hanging around more than Tobin would like.

The end of the NWSL season came and went, the Thorns winning the championship title. The looming question of Tobin returning to Paris still remained unanswered. She didn’t know what she wanted to do. Alex would tell her to go for it, but Tobin would notice the hesitation in her words and in her eyes as she did so. She couldn’t leave Alex for months - she was too scared to try long distance. She knew without a doubt that Servando would attempt to keep Alex company while she was gone. They had a friendly coming up before Tobin had to make her final decision, and she hoped she would find some answers there.

“So…” Alex said quietly towards the end of their flight to DC.

“Hmm?” Tobin hummed, looking up from her phone. One of her hands was intertwined with Alex’s on her lap, close enough so no one passing by could notice.

“Do you think we should...you know, tell the team?”

“Don’t you think most of them already think we’re dating?” the midfielder chuckled, shaking her head.

The younger girl shrugged, drawing patterns on the back of Tobin’s hand lightly. “Yeah, but...should we tell them it’s actually happening?”

Tobin turned her body more so that she was facing the forward. “Are you comfortable with telling them, Alex?”

She chewed her lip, thinking for a second before answering. “If it’s just the team, then yes. But…”

“But?” the older girl raised an eyebrow.”

“It wouldn’t hurt to let them keep in the dark,” she giggled.

“They’re so gonna kick our ass,” Tobin laughed, shaking her head.

  
  


When they received their room assignments an hour later, both were a little disappointed that they weren’t rooming together. Alex was rooming with HAO while Tobin shared her room with Hope.

“Damn,” Tobin pouted as she stuffed the paper with her room number into her back pocket. “I don’t get to sleep with you for the next couple of days.”

Alex laughed softly shaking her head. “Don’t worry, I’ll miss you.”

“You better,” the midfielder laughed, shooting Alex a killer grin.

“Will you be okay though?” the younger girl asked, worry etching her features. Tobin’s nightmares weren’t showing any signs of stopping at that worried her. She wanted to be there to soothe her, Alex knew too well that Hope wouldn’t handle it the same way she would.

Tobin knew the nightmares would haunt her, but she nodded anyway. “Don’t worry about me, babe. I’ll be okay.”

“You sure?” she frowned, not convinced.

The older girl’s eyes swiped the lobby before leaving a chaste kiss on Alex’s forehead. “Yes. I’ll be okay. Just focus on the game on Tuesday.”

Alex sighed, nodding. “I will. Alright, let’s go to our rooms.”

“Yes ma’am,” she smiled, winking at Alex.

 

The evening went well enough for the two, they reunited with teammates they hadn’t seen in awhile and when the had seen them, it had been to play against each other in the NWSL. They weren’t very touchy, but did tend to gravitate towards each other the whole time, comforted by the fact the other was right there. Tobin’s problems seemed to fade away without Servando being only hours or less away.

“So,” Cheney slid into the seat next to Tobin during dinner. “How are you two?”

Alex grinned at their friend, knowing they were the only ones at the table. “Great.”

Tobin chuckled, nodding. “We’re fine, Chen.”

“Are you guys gonna tell the team?”

“I think we’ll keep it on the down low for now,” the striker explained. “We’re all only together for a few days, so maybe another time.”

“Well whenever you guys are ready,” Lauren smiled at them, then looked at Tobin as everyone else began to join them. Between them was a conversation that didn’t need any words. By the lok in the shorter midfielder’s eyes, Lauren knew there were problems for Tobin that were still evident, but Alex had no idea what they were. She didn’t comment on it, though, knowing it wasn’t the time or place for that.

After dinner, the team split up, each enjoying time on their own. Alex had been dragged off by Syd, who was busy taking Boss around the hotel with Kristie and HAO. Tobin only chuckled when she was invited to tag along, but said she’d rather do some thinking of her own. There were questions in Alex’s eyes, but she didn’t voice any of them. She didn’t need to.

“I’m okay,” she said quietly once the trio with Boss began walking away. “I just need to clear my head for the week.”

Hesitation was evident, but the younger girl sighed, nodding. “Alright, I’ll see you before we go to bed?”

“Of course,” Tobin smiled, making sure no one was looking before planting a chaste kiss on Alex’s cheek. “Now go have fun with Boss and his crew.”

Alex only laughed, shaking her head before jogging to catch up with the others. Tobin watched her go and smiled. This was why she liked being with the national team - there weren’t many distractions during camp, but they were still able to have a good time. Her worries hadn’t bothered her all afternoon, and for that she was thankful. The midfielder found herself roaming around the outside of the hotel when someone noticed her.

“What are you doing out here?”

Tobin looked up in surprise, then smiled to see one of her favorite little rookies, Morgan Brian. “I should be asking you that question, kid.”

Morgan shrugged in response. “Just wanted to clear my head before we go into training tomorrow.”

“Me too,” the older girl nodded, then motioned for the other to join her. “Let’s take a walk.”The rookie midfielder filled the space next to Tobin as they walked around, staying in silence for the first minute or so. Tobin was lost in her thoughts and so was the younger one.

“Are you nervous for Tuesday?” Tobin asked, reminding herself the other girl was there.

Morgan let out a soft laugh. “Yeah, I mean my family’s coming to watch, along with my whole team. Hopefully Tom puts me in, you know.”

“I think he will,” the more experienced midfielder smiled. “He definitely has a lot of belief in you.”

The younger girl found herself blushing at the compliment. It meant a lot to hear from someone she looked up to for so long. “Thanks Tobin.” They walked in a beat of silence before Morgan spoke up. “So what brings you out here? Is it something with Alex again?”

Tobin briefly thought about denying the question, but then knew better. With the pause she was giving, it was too late to lie anyway. “Sort of. Just...more things I need to straighten out in my head,” she explained, giving the words she gave off last time she admitted what was wrong.

“Does Alex know about these things?”

“Kinda,” Tobin winced, biting her bottom lip. “She knows something’s wrong but I haven’t told her. I told her not to ask about it.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m scared if I do tell her, she’ll realize I’m right and I could lose everything.”

Morgan looked at the older girl curiously, trying to read the words well enough to understand. “What are you hiding, Tobin?”

The girl was smarter than Tobin thought. She hesitated, looking at Moe’s curious eyes as she wondered how to respond to such a question without giving it anything away. “I don’t want to lose her.”

“Then let her know that,” Morgan said quietly. “She’ll eventually get tired of not asking.”

Tobin nodded, letting out a sigh. She couldn’t throw off Alex’s game this week. That wouldn’t be fair. Maybe she’d wait until they got home. Yeah, that would be a good idea. “Thanks Moe, really.”

  
  


-

 

Training the next morning wasn’t too hard on anyone. It was their only practice before the game the following day, so everyone was giving 110% in every drill and scrimmage. There were quite a few new players being called up so the team wasn’t quite meshing the way they should have, but it was better than expected. Alex had something to prove due to the rocky season she’d been through and Tobin was just trying to show Tom the reason she deserved a starting spot for every game. It was all business, but the team couldn’t help but let out a few jokes and silly antics while they were out there.

The afternoon was free for the team to do as they please, so everyone piled onto the bus, excited to get the rest of the day off. Alex talked Tobin into going to Georgetown for the afternoon and grabbing some cupcakes, maybe even bringing some back for their team. Tobin was up for it - anything to spend more time with Alex without the ever present teasing and jokes from their teammates. Quickly, the two showered and changed into clean and comfortable clothes, meeting at the elevators. Making sure no one was around, Alex slipped her hand into Tobin’s giving it a gentle squeeze. Tobin smiled, pulling her into the elevator as the doors opened. She hit the lobby button and pulled Alex into a tight hug as soon as the doors closed. Alex melted into her, hugging her back.

“I miss being this close to you,” Tobin mumbled into Alex’s ear, closing her eyes. She inhaled the striker’s scent, not even realizing she missed being around it.

“Me too,” Alex whispered into Tobin’s shoulder. She kissed the bare skin her found there. “I miss you.”

The midfielder didn’t have to ask what she meant. She knew. “I miss you too,” she replied.

They held each other like that, not needing to speak, just enjoying the closeness of each other. When the elevator stopped, they pulled away before the doors opened, exchanging a smile between each other before they walked through the lobby. It was something that dating each other had come with: hiding their relationship. It hadn’t been too much of a problem before when they were in Portland because they were either with their team or with each other at home. Now it was different because they were in public and cameras could follow Alex. They just had to keep their eyes open.

 

Later on, the couple found themselves in Georgetown, getting cupcakes just like Alex had wanted. Tobin had bought herself a red velvet cupcake while Alex had gone for chocolate immediately. The two were sitting at a small table, goofing around with each other. It was one of the most beautiful things about their relationship: the way they could still be best friends and not just lovers. Their friendship was rooted deep within and wouldn’t change just because they kissed a little...or a lot when no one was looking.

“Tobs, you got a little icing on your face,” Alex giggled, using her index finger to show her where it was.

“Oh,” Tobin laughed, trying to wipe it off her face, but only spread it. “Is it gone?”

The younger girl giggled more, shaking her head. “Still there.”

“Can you get it for me Lex?”

“You eat like a child,” she commented with a smile. Picking up a napkin, she leaned over the table to wipe the icing off of her girlfriend’s face. “There you go.”

“Thanks,” Tobin grinned at her before stuffing another bite of her cupcake into her mouth.

“Welcome,” Alex grinned back, unable to help herself. She loved Tobin’s smile. She’d do anything to see that smile.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, finishing off their cupcakes happily. A comfortable silence settled between them as they enjoyed their afternoon off. Alex wiped her mouth when she was done, having an internal debate on whether or not to bring up something she’d been trying to figure out.

“I’m think I’m almost ready to come out,” she suddenly blurted quietly.

Tobin looked up, dropping the cupcake wrapper she was playing with onto the table. “What?”

Alex nodded slowly, biting her lip. “I think I might be ready to come out to people soon.”

“Wait people as in...your family?” Tobin asked wanting her to specify.  
“Well...yeah,” she shrugged. “but I also kind of meant...everyone.”

The older girl stared at her for a moment, and the forward couldn’t tell if she was in shock or simply didn’t understand what she was saying. “Oh…” was Tobin’s response finally after a moment of silence.

“Mhmm.”

“I...Alex, you can’t be serious right now.”

The striker frowned. “Why not?”

“Because you just can’t,” Tobin stated like it was obvious. “Do you know how big that is?”

Alex scoffed. “Of course I do. But...I don’t want to hide with you anymore.”

“You don’t think it’s too soon?”

“The sooner the better,” she shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal.

Tobin shook her head. “This isn’t something that’ll blow over Alex. It’s not like you’re telling people your puppy died. You’re telling people that you’re gay and dating a girl.”

“I know that.”

Tobin couldn’t seem to understand why Alex was making it seem like a less important subject than it really was. “This is life-changing.”

“Yes,” Alex said slowly, not sure why Tobin was giving her a hard time about it. “but I’ll be okay. I’m not a little girl. I can take care of myself.”

The nightmares suddenly came back to Tobin, they seemed to get worse rather than better and the latest ones were still fresh in her mind. She tried not to visibly wince at them, but she was a little shaky when she looked at Alex and said, “You can’t be sure this is what you want. It hasn’t been that long.”

“It’s been a few months, and that’s almost enough time for me to figure it out.” Alex’s hand reached over and rested on Tobin’s arm. “I’ve had the most amazing few months with you, even with our small arguments here and there. I’m not saying we’ll do it right now, but maybe soon...I feel like I’ll be ready.”

Tobin held her gaze for a moment before looking away and pulling her arm towards herself. “You can’t be sure right now, Lex.”

Alex knew there was a reason Tobin wasn’t budging, and it wasn’t because she wasn’t ready. She would’ve already said so. “What is it Tobin? Is it Servando? Tobin, you know I don’t love him like that anymore. He’s just my friend, and that’s all he ever will be.”

Tobin wanted to retort by stating that Servando still loved her, but she knew it wouldn’t do them any good. “It’s not him” - it wasn’t a total lie. It was more than just him - “it’s just….” She let out a long sigh, shaking her head. “Please, just think about it a little longer, okay? Don’t rush this. I don’t want you to make haste decisions.” Her soft brown eyes looked up to meet Alex’s always bright blue ones, pleading.

When Tobin’s eyes met hers, she knew she couldn’t say no. If Tobin didn’t want her to rush it, she wouldn’t. She still had no idea what this was all about, but she still had a bit of patience left with her favorite midfielder. She always would. “Okay,” she nodded. “I will.”

“Thank you,” Tobin offered a weak smile. “Come on, let’s order those cupcakes for the team and we’ll head back.”

Alex was very bothered by the fact Tobin wouldn’t tell her what was wrong. She should’ve asked about the dreams, but she didn’t. She knew Tobin could possibly shut her out and she didn’t want to get into anything deep before the game, but she didn’t need to worry. After last night’s talk with Moe, Tobin slept without a nightmare for the first time in the past couple of weeks.

Tobin, on the other hand, had her mind spinning. She knew for a fact Alex was rushing her decision. Alex and quick decisions were never a good thing, and this wouldn’t be an exception. She wanted this to be the decision Alex would be happy with ten years from now. She wasn’t ready to watch Alex’s career be dramatically affected because of the one night Tobin decided to kiss her best friend.

But what if Alex’s gut feeling was the right feeling?

 


	14. Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin's nightmares give way to advice from a roommate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is shorter than expected, but we're actually kind of close to the end here...

Tobin thought after a dreamless night the nightmares wouldn’t return.

She was wrong.

That night, her and Hope had some light conversation before deciding it was best if they turned the lights off. Tobin had dozed off easily while the veteran stayed up, reading the latest book she was into by her iPhone light. An hour after the midfielder fell asleep, Hope figured it was time to go to bed as well. Just as she was placing her phone and book onto the table, she her a soft sob. She squinted into the darkness over at her roommate.

“Tobin?” she called quietly, wondering if the girl was somehow still awake.

When the only response was more sobbing, she frowned. She’d roomed with Tobin before and she knew this wasn’t like her at all, but then again, she hadn’t roomed with Tobin in a while. Hope quietly slid out from under her covers and sat herself on the empty side of Tobin’s bed. The sobs only continued, so she shaked the girl gently. “Tobin..”

After a few moments, Tobin woke to her body shaking. It wasn’t her sob that were racking her body like this; it was her roommate. She felt the hot tears on her face and quickly wiped them away, sniffing a bit as her eyes adjusted into the light. “H-Hope?”

“You’re crying,” Hope stated the obvious, no visible emotion on her face. She was always hard to read, even for Tobin. She found it a little strange, but she got along well with Hope, anyway. Tobin tried to calm her breathing while Hope just looked at her. “Did I wake you?”

The veteran sighed, turning on the lamp. “No, I was just about to when I heard you. What’s wrong?”

The midfielder was still trying to calm herself down and knew if she tried to explain, she would only end up bursting into tears again. So instead she just shook her head, biting her lip to stop herself from letting out sobbing noises. Tears still rushed down her face as her latest nightmare appeared fresh in her mind. She felt too weak and too vulnerable at that moment. Rarely any of her teammates had seen her cry, and for the one teammate to be Hope was ironic. Hope, who seemed so stoic and so emotionless on the field (and occasionally off), who was a sweetheart when you’d least expect it. Maybe it was perfect timing that Hope happened to be her roommate in this camp.

The goalkeeper sighed, taking on hand and wrapping it around one of Tobin’s biceps, pulling her into a sitting position. Tobin didn’t stop her, but tried to still keep in her sobs. Hope shook her head, scooting close enough to the younger one to where she was able to wrap her arms around her, pulling her into an embrace. Tobin gratefully accepted, her face digging into Hope’s shirt as her sobs became uncontrollable and tears refused to stop. She clutched onto her teammate tightly, balling up parts of her shirt. Hope held her quietly, rubbing her back gently in attempts to calm her down. She knew talking about problems wasn’t her or Tobin’s strong point, so she allowed the smaller girl to let out all her emotions, not caring that they were losing sleep that night. It didn’t matter to her that there was a game tomorrow; it didn’t matter to either of them. Tobin was too busy trying to rid the hurt, and Hope was trying to be a good teammate and essentially a good friend.

Finally, after a long time of Tobin crying and Hope just holding her without a word, the midfielder’s cries finally calmed down. “What were you dreaming about?”

“It wasn’t a dream,” Tobin mumbled into Hope’s shirt.

“Nightmare then. What’s causing this?”

Tobin knew better than to say nothing was causing it. Hope would see right through her; plus she didn’t have any reason to lie to Hope. But she couldn’t out herself and Alex without consulting Alex first. “One of my biggest fears,” she whispered, pulling away from Hope and adjusting herself so they were sitting next to each other.

“You have fears?” Hope found it in her to crack a joke, knowing Tobin would do the same for anyone if the roles were reversed. “Who knew the great Tobin Heath was afraid.”

She managed a weak smile in the dim room. “Everyone has fears.”

“Of course. Now what’s yours?”

Tobin sighed, looking down at her legs. “It’s complicated.”

“Bullshit,” the veteran called.

The midfielder stayed silent for a while, debating internally on whether or not she should tell Hope. She sighed, wondering if Alex would mind telling one more person. Hope was honest and very straight to the point on practically anything. She was also very passionate about things and did try to help people a lot, though not many could see that side of her. Who better to talk to this about than her?

“What I’m about to tell you, you cannot repeat to anyone else,” Tobin instructed carefully, looking up to meet Hope’s eyes. Hope looked down at the younger girl and nodded slowly, signaling she agreed and Tobin took that as a cue to continue. “Cheney knows about it, but not enough about it to be concerned.” She took a deep breath, looking down at her legs before looking at her again. ”Alex and I are together.”

The room became eerily silent for a moment. Tobin looked at Hope, trying to gauge a reaction, but Hope only stared at her. Slowly, a smirk appeared on her face. “Finally.”

The younger one let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding in. “Whatever.”

“I’m glad,” the keeper offered a small smile, but then it faded. “So what does Alex have to do with your dreams?”

Tobin bit her lip, studying the blanket in the space between them. She had never spoken about it aloud before and wasn’t even sure how to word it. “I don’t want to ruin anything.”

“Why would you?” Hope asked, giving her a confused look.

“She’s the face of women’s soccer,” Tobin said slowly. “I don’t...I can’t…take that away from her.”

The older one’s mouth twisted into a frown. “What do you…” she trailed off and her expression softened as she realized what Tobin was saying. “Oh.”

Nodding, Tobin looked up at her. “I don’t want to ruin her career, but I don’t want to keep us a secret forever. It’s not fair.”

“It really isn’t,” the veteran agreed. She cleared her throat, now looking away. “Tobin, why do you think Kelley and I didn’t work out?”

The question took Tobin by surprise. She hadn’t really thought about it. Briefly, she recalled a time where Hope and Kelley couldn’t get enough of each other. She glanced down at Hope’s left hand now, and found her wedding ring that shocked them all when she’d shown up with it at training. All of them but Kelley. She hadn’t even shown any signs of being broken, but instead had a stoic face for the rest of that week. It was like a zombie had taken over her best friend. She wouldn’t open up to anyone, and she definitely didn’t talk to Hope for a long time.

“I don’t know,” Tobin finally admitted, looking at her teammate curiously. Sure, Hope did have a mean side - she’d seen it plenty of times - but Hope certainly wasn’t heartless. And Tobin was pretty sure Hope loved Kelley. It was an unexpected pairing at first, but then it slowly fell into place. She made Kelley happier than the freckled girl had been in a long time, and Tobin definitely approved of that.

“We didn’t want to hurt either of our careers,” Hope explained, not looking at Tobin, but at the wall on the other end of the room. It was like she was recalling her past as she spoke. “She especially didn’t want to hurt mine. I’ve gotten so much attention from the media - and some of it has been negative attention at times.” Tobin knew without asking all sorts of things Hope was referring to. Out of all of the national team, Hope was probably the one who took the most hits. “So imagine me coming out and telling people that I was dating a girl. Not just a girl, but my teammate.” She let out a humorless laugh. “The press would have a field day with that.”

“You got engaged to covered it up?” Tobin asked, raising an eyebrow.

Hope sighed, nodding. “We didn’t want to give up each other’s dreams. We came to an agreement that I’d marry Jerramy, and we’d try to move on from each other.”

“Did you?”

“Did I what?”

“Move on from her.”

When Hope didn’t answer right away Tobin knew the answer, but allowed the girl to think for a moment before vocalizing her thoughts. “Not at all,” she said so quietly that Tobin almost thought she imagined it. She lowered her gaze, shaking her head. “I haven’t. But it was what we believed was the best. No holding each other back.”

Tobin nodded, trying to figure out why Hope opened up to her like this. She knew at the latest hours were when the most honest conversations took place, but Hope didn’t go around telling all her teammates her private business. This was meant to help her somehow.

“Are you saying I should do that?”

Hope whipped her head to face Tobin, eyes widening at the suggestion. “No!” She then lowered her voice when she realized she was loud enough to wake up their teammates next door. “No,” she said again. “Please, don’t. It’s not..I don’t know if this was worth it. And it’s too late to fix it.”

“You still love her,” Tobin said quietly..

“So much,” the keeper nodded, running a hand through her hair. “She’s falling in love with someone else, Tobin. You know that, don’t you.”

Tobin wasn’t sure if she should answer that. Of course she noticed Kelley’s growing affection for Christen. Everyone could see it. So instead, she asked, “What do I do, Hope?”

“Figure out what’s best for the both of you. Don’t decide something that in the end you’ll come to regret. You and Alex...there’s been something there since the day you met. We can all tell, why do you think we tease you so much?” A faint smile found Hope’s lips before she continued. “Just know this team supports the two of you, even if not all of us know that you’re together.” She stopped talking for a second, letting Tobin sink in the knowledge before asking, “Do you love her?”

Tobin looked at Hope, taken aback by the question. She hadn’t really thought about it. All she knew was she felt something strong for Alex. And even if she did love Alex, she wasn’t even sure that Alex loved her. Or if she’d grow out of a bi-curious phase she could be going through. It was another one of Tobin’s many fears - Alex wasn’t actually gay by any means. It was just something she wanted to try out and ended up not feeling. “It’s only been a few months.”

Hope had to fight the knowing smirk off her face. “Think about it, okay? And talk to her about it. It’ll help.” She patted Tobin’s knee. “Let’s sleep, we have a game tomorrow.”

Tobin thanked her and crawled into her sheets as Hope returned to her bed. As the lamp was shut off, the midfielder closed her eyes in hopes for a good dream to come her way. There wasn’t a dream for the rest of the night, but that was better than another nightmare.

 

-

 

The whole morning, Tobin was distant.

It was like last camp all over again, but this time she wasn’t just distant to Alex, it was towards everyone. Hope was the first one to notice, but she didn’t point it out. Alex was the second. She asked it Tobin had another nightmare, and when Tobin gave her a faint nod, that was enough for the forward. She didn’t ask anymore questions as to what the nightmares were of, but she comforted her girlfriend the best she could.

By the end of breakfast, Alex made her way over to Hope. “Hey.”

Hope looked at her, feigning surprise. “Hey Al, what’s up?”

The forward decided to get straight to the point since Hope was typically the same way. “Did...was there something weird with Tobin last night?”

Hope sighed. “Um, yeah. She was crying in her sleep, but I managed to get her to calm down after awhile.”

Alex’s expression twisted in worry. “Did she tell you what was bothering her?”

With a straight face, Hope shook her head. “No, but she’ll probably talk about it when she’s ready don’t you think?”

The younger girl only nodded and muttered thanks towards the keeper before walking away. Tobin’s nightmares were already starting to worry her. Why didn’t she get to know what was causing her girlfriend tears? Why couldn’t she protect Tobin from whatever was hurting her?

 

Tobin, on the other hand, was trying to figure out what to do. Should she do what Hope did, and not let herself hold Alex back? Or should she figure a way out of this? Even if she picked the second option, how was she supposed to do that? she couldn’t really change anything about the situation. Alex’s career would most likely end up being dramatically impacted if they came out, and she couldn’t live knowing she messed up Alex’s opportunities. Should she let her go? Should she force herself to move on? She knew it probably wouldn’t be hard for Alex to find someone else who would love her.

 

Tobin couldn’t figure it out.

 


	15. Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her heart know what it wants. Her mind's still conflicted. PSG's waiting, but Alex is right here.

Another friendly, another win.

It was almost as if Mexico had stopped trying after the third goal. Another win was great for the team - even if it was an “easy” game, but not so much for Tobin. She enjoyed throwing herself into a game, leaving everything else on the sidelines. She enjoyed being focused on the ball and being aware of where her teammates were. She enjoyed being so focused on creating opportunities and looking out for her teammates. But that didn’t happen. At this game, it was almost too easy. Tobin had almost wished Sermanni switched up all their positions so she could have something else to think about for a change. The easy game left plenty of open space in her thoughts, letting her wander. It wasn’t good. Though being on the field to see her favorite newcomer score was a plus, Tobin couldn’t stop thinking about her and Alex. Alex and her. What to do.

“Here, autographs,” Heif ordered her, placing a sharpie in her hand.

“Got it,” Tobin nodded, giving him a weak smile before jogging off to meet some fans. They were a welcome distraction, reminding Tobin why she loved the sport so much. She couldn’t wipe the grin off her face when she spotted some of her jerseys being worn in the crowd of fans awaiting her signature. She was able to lose herself in taking picture and signing long enough to temporarily forget the debate in her mind.

All too soon, Heif was calling her back. She sighed, signing one last soccer ball before capping the sharpie and jogging back to where Heif awaited, trying to rally the players back. As her eyes wandered around, they found Alex, the one who undoubtedly would be last off the field. It was always her - and most of the time Hope or Abby - trying to sign and take as many pictures as possible.

Watching Alex interact with fans brought a smile to Tobin’s face. She was so sweet and genuine with all of them, always smiling when she was around. Tobin watched as everyone crowded and maybe pushed others to try to get to her girlfriend. She watched as young teenagers tried to sprint around to try to get to her before it was too late. There was no denying it - the public loved Alex. Tobin could always tell by the way they all screamed way louder for her if she was announced in the starting eleven. Guys were fawning over her - Tobin saw it now by the way a teenage boy eagerly wrapped his arm around her shoulder for a picture. She saw how little girls completely adored and idolized Alex as one girl that couldn’t have been any older than seven held up her soccer ball to sign and Alex took it, talking to the young girl who looked extremely nervous. Tobin could imagine the voice now, she’d heard Alex use it so many times when they’d come across younger fans. Something Alex said made the little girl smile and Alex picked her up so they could take a picture together. Tobin found it adorable.

She also knew this was a main reason why Alex was even more committed to stay in professional soccer - the younger generation. She was a guidance for them, and they’d look forward to stepping into Alex’s shoes one day. She was a role model without even asking to be one. It just so happened Alex was the one the public picked to be the face of women’s soccer, and she had to accept that.

Which was why she couldn’t come out.

If Alex ever did, parents would stop letting their daughters support her, meaning Alex wouldn’t get as much money. The public would see her in a whole different light. It wasn’t the same as Pinoe coming out, no. It was Alex. Alex was supposed to be a straight soccer player who little girls looked up to. She was supposed to be a boy-loving, male-dating girl. But she wasn’t. Or was she...and she was just experimenting? What if this whole thing was a test run  for Alex? And who better to do it with than her best friend, because they’re already so close? The thoughts made Tobin sick.

But then again...what if by some crazy chance, the public accepted it their choice? What if they still loved Alex just as much as they did now - maybe even more for coming out? What if this wasn’t a test run of Alex, what if she really felt something as strong as Tobin felt for her?

“They can never get enough of her,” someone said to her right, following Tobin’s gaze.

Tobin laughed a little, noticing it was Morgan. “Nope, they never can. Congrats on your goal tonight.”

Morgan beamed. “Thanks...I was just set up so well, I guess.”

Tobin nodded. “I saw your teammates. They went crazy, didn’t they?”

“Just a little,” the rookie laughed. “I love them, though. I’m glad they were able to come out and watch.”

“Me too. After tonight, Tom is most definitely loving you in the midfield,” Tobin reassured her, giving her a soft pat on the back.

“Thanks,” the younger midfielder grinned.

The two stood in silence as their other teammates returned, most congratulating the rookie on her first international goal. Tobin’s eyes wandered again to Alex, who was one of the few that were still signing autographs. She watched people snap pictures of her and little girls freak out because Alex Morgan was right there, not even a few feet away. And there were still so many people hoping to get lucky with a signature or picture.

And it was in that moment, Tobin knew her decision.

 

Once the reached the darkness of the bus, Tobin’s hand immediately found Alex’s. Everyone was settled in so she wasn’t afraid of anyone passing by and seeing them. She kissed her girl’s hand softly, her lips almost teasing the contact.

“Are you okay? You’ve seemed distant all day?” Alex asked, concerned. She knew Tobin usually did her best thinking in silence, but it was worrying her with all the nightmares.

Tobin nodded. “I’ve just had a lot on my mind.”

“Is it the nightmares?”

“Not anymore,” she answered, giving Alex an honest smile.

After making her decision, she knew there was no need to distance herself from Alex. There was no more being quiet and far away - this was Alex and she really cared about her, so she was going to show it.

“Really?” Even in the dark, Tobin could see Alex’s eyes brighten. She knew the forward was worried about her, and to give an honest answer was very good.

“Yup,” Tobin nodded, her eyes darting around to make sure no one was looking, then planted a kiss on Alex’s cheek. “All gone. I promise.” And that was the truth.

“I’m glad,” Alex beamed, resting her head onto Tobin’s shoulder. The rest of the ride was a comfortable silence between the two, Tobin not tensing up or zoned out and Alex just happy she didn’t have to worry anymore.

 

-

 

The night was a dreamless one, and Tobin sent a silent prayer to God for that, believing the lack of a nightmare meant she was about to make the right decision. She looked in the bed next to her, searching for the brooding goalkeeper, but it was empty, so she grabbed her phone and sat up to make a phone call.

“Allo?”

“It’s Tobin,” she stated, running a hand through her hair. “I’ve made my decision on whether or not to return this season.”

To return would mean to give up Alex.

To give up PSG would mean staying with Alex.

But then again, there was long distance.

 

-

 

The following night, Tobin was sprawled out on the couch. Though the nightmares had left, her mind had been jumbled as ever. She wasn’t completely sure how long she and Alex had to move out of the apartment since season was over, but she assumed they had until the end of the week.

Alex stood at the end of the hallway, only in an oversized t-shirt and nike pros. “Babe, come to bed with me.”

“Mkay,” Tobin obliged, hearing the tiredness in her girlfriend’s voice. She tossed her magazine onto the coffee table and stood, her hair still damp from her shower. Sauntering over to her girlfriend, she placed a kiss on her cheek. “Long day?” Alex had spent the day with Servando - out in Seattle. It was a ‘just friends’ thing according to Alex, but Tobin knew it was different in Servando’s mind.

Alex nodded, taking her hand and leading her into her bedroom (technically theirs because Tobin’s was only used that one night). Tobin kissed the younger girl’s forehead before crawling under the sheets. “Come here,” she cooed, opening up her arms.

The forward didn’t hesitate in the slightest. She immediately slipped into bed, fitting her body perfectly against Tobin’s, as she had done so many nights before. “I’m so glad we have offseason right now.”

“Me too,” Tobin nodded, but her eyes were a bit far away.

“What’s wrong?” Alex asked, immediately picking up on the behavior.

The midfielder shook her head. “I’m just not sure where we’ll spend our time after they make us leave the apartment.”

Alex’s blue eyes lit up. “We can go to my parents’ house back in Diamond Bar. I think it’s time I come out to them, at least.”

Tobin had to force her eyes not to widen. “Really?”

Now her girl was excited, she nodded eagerly. “Yeah. They already love you, and at least they’ll know it wasn’t just anyone I fell for.”

She blushed, but thoughts were racing through her head. “I guess so.”

“Tobs, you’re acting weird. Everything alright?” Alex frowned, eyeing Tobin carefully.

“I’m just…” Tobin sighed, holding Alex a little tighter. “I missed being so close to you, you know?” Well, that was somewhat the truth.

Alex offered a smile. “Me too. But we’re here now.”

“Yeah,” Tobin couldn’t help but smile back before leaning in to kiss the girl softly.

Alex kissed her back, her arms snaking around Tobin’s neck. Tobin’s hands somehow found Alex’s ass, squeezing softly and receiving a moan in her mouth. She let one hand slip under Alex’s big t-shirt while her tongue explored her counterparts. She was pleased to notice there was no bra in the way tonight. Suddenly, Alex pinned Tobin down onto the bed to straddle her.

Tobin broke away and quirked an eyebrow. “I thought you were tired.”

“Not anymore,” Alex replied, her eyes a shade darker than they had just been.

Tobin didn’t argue.

Just a few more days.

 

-

 

The pit feeling was in Tobin’s stomach. She knew she shouldn’t have left it to the last minute, but she was savoring her time with Alex. She didn’t want their last week together be one of distance and trouble.

“Lex, I need to tell you something,” she said nervously, wringing her hands together as she looked down letting her hair cover most of her face.

“What? What’s wrong.” She could hear the concern in Alex’s voice. She felt Alex shift closer to her on the couch.

“Um…”

“Baby, look at me.”

Tobin didn’t.

“Tobin.”

Still no.

Alex grabbed her hands in one of her and then brushed the hair away from Tobin’s face the best she could. “You can talk to me.”

“I know,” Tobin sighed. “I just….I talked to PSG’s manager.”

“And?” Alex didn’t know what was going on, but she knew she wasn’t going to like it.”

“I’m returning for their season.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're nearing the end of this fic, and I hope you're enjoying the last few parts. Feedback is always greatly appreciated.


	16. Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's made her decision, but what truths come out and what lies are told because of it?

“Oh..” A pause. “We can do long distance,” the forward reassured her.

Tobin shook her head, pulling her hands away from Alex and then scooting an inch away. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Lex.”

Alex frowned. “Why not? What are you saying?”

“I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“We haven’t even tried it yet and you’re already saying no.”

“No...I wasn’t just talking about long distance, Alex.” She sighed, not meeting her favorite pair of blue eyes. “I was talking about... _this_.”

Just as Alex opened her mouth to ask what “this” was, her eyes widened a little, understanding. “I thought...I thought everything was fine, Tobin.”

Tobin shook her head slightly, her eyes still not meeting Alex’s. “It’s too risky.”

“Babe-”

“I can’t be selfish,” Tobin interrupted her abruptly, looking at the girl. “I’m not going to be selfish.”

“Selfish?” Alex’s brows furrowed in confusion. “You’re never selfish, Tobin.”

“I am when it comes to you.” Tobin admitted, biting her lip. “You can’t be selfish either.”

The forward was at a loss for words. What was going on?

“I’m not going to risk your career just because I’m with you,” Tobin explained, forcing each word out.

“You’re not,” Alex sighed, coming to understand what this was about. “This is my decision, Tobin. I want to be with you and I want the world to know soon.”

“At the risk of your own career?” Tobin reminded her, quirking an eyebrow.

Alex nodded. “Yes, at the risk of my own career. Come on, Tobin. I’m not the only gay athlete that’s coming out.”

“You’re not Pinoe or Mana. You’re Alex Morgan, the face of women’s soccer.”

“Abby’s also the face of women’s soccer,” the younger girl countered.

Tobin shook her head. “Everyone assumes you’re straight, Alex. You’re America’s soccer sweetheart. Abby’s not. Hope’s also a face of women’s soccer - everyone assumes she’s straight.”

“Yeah, well she’s bi,” Alex frowned. “She doesn’t count.”

Tobin bit back her tongue to stop herself from telling Alex the truth about Hope’s sudden marriage. “Alex, that’s not the point. We’re talking about you, here.”

“Yes, and I want to come out so I can be with you openly.”

Tobin shook her head. “This isn’t a good idea.”

“So you’re running away to Paris?” Alex gave her a look before crossing her arms. “That’s your big solution?”

“Alex, do you even like girls?” Tobin asked aloud.

Alex scoffed. “Is that even a question?!”

“Yes.”

“Jesus Christ, Tobin. I’m dating you! I’ve had sex with you! I spend every waking moment I can with you!”

“That doesn’t mean you’re gay.” She put her hand up to stop Alex from protesting. “Who’s the first girl you liked then, Alex?”

“You.”

“Did you find any other girl attractive besides me before we started dating?”

“This isn’t a trick question is it?”

“No, I promise I won’t get mad if you did.”

“Well no,” Alex shrugged. “I haven’t.”

“Point proven.”

“No, point not proven,” Alex glared, standing up. “Just because you’re the only girl I’m attracted to doesn’t mean I’m not gay!”

Tobin shook her head, standing up as well. “Lex, you’ve known me for years. You know I’m gay. I’ve dated other girls. You? I’ve never heard you talk about a girl the way me or Pinoe or hell, even Kelley has.”

“So?!”

“So how do you know you like girls if I’m the only one you’ve liked?!”  
“I don’t need any other girls to prove it! _I love you_ , Tobin.” Alex’s mouth hung open after she spoke. Did she really let that slip?

Tobin, on the other hand, completely froze. She just stared at Alex, the words echoing in her mind. She wanted to believe that so badly. She wanted to know Alex loved her. That this wasn’t just a phase, but it probably was. “No, you don’t,” she finally replied when her mouth remembered how to form words again.

“Yes I do,” Alex said, making her way over to Tobin.

Tobin backed up. “You still love Servando.”

Alex looked at her in surprise. “Huh? No, Tobin. We broke up, it’s over.”

Tobin was no longer being hostile. Her hands dropped to her sides and she looked at Alex with a sad expression in her eyes. “He still loves you.”

“We’re just friends,” the younger girl shook her head. “That’s all - we both know that.”

“No, he still loves you. He wants to get back together. Why do you think he’s always wanting to spend time with you?”

Alex shrugged, unsure of how to approach the subject. “We’re just friends,” she repeated. Then after a beat of silence added, “Even if he did still love me, I don’t love him.”

“Then why do you always insist on hanging out with him, Alex? You’ve never turned down his requests.” Tobin wasn’t mad, she was just stating facts. The sad expression was still ever present in her eyes and it was making Alex’s insides fill with guilt.

“Tobin…”

She shook her head. “You don’t have to explain it. I see the way he looks at you, Lex. He’s so in love. And the worst part about all of this is I can’t hate him. I can’t hate him because he didn’t do anything wrong. It was just distance that hurt your relationship.”

“We’re different,” Alex promised, stepping again towards Tobin hesitantly, then relaxed when the midfielder didn’t back up again. “I promise this will work.”

“But you don’t see the way you look at him,” Tobin stated. “Alex, maybe you do like girls - but I don’t know that. But I do know you still like guys, too. I saw the way you looked at him when he came to visit us last night to welcome us back. As much as I hated seeing it, I knew you looked at him like you still loved him.”

Tears were building up in Alex’s eyes, she shook her head hard. “No, Tobin. I don’t..I don’t love him.” Where had she gone wrong?

It was as if the older girl could read her mind. “Please don’t feel guilty. This isn’t your fault. You don’t choose who you love and never fall out of love with.”

“I want to choose you,” Alex said, but her voice betrayed her as it cracked.

“He’s good for you,” Tobin went on, tears stinging her own eyes. She had to keep going, she knew she did. “You’re good for each other. I can tell.” She swallowed the lump in her throat, trying not to think about how she just wanted to pull Alex to her and kiss her lips and tell her she’d cancel her contract with PSG. “Maybe we were a test run. Maybe you were experimenting, but I can’t...I can’t let this ruin you. Alex, you’re probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I won’t ever forget that, but it’s time to be selfless. You still have a big career ahead of you, and I don’t want to be the reason you stop getting endorsements. Please, don’t forget that. You’re a star and I want you to enjoy every moment of it.”

There was silence between the two as they eyed each other, Alex’s tears being the first to fall. Tobin had to bite her lip hard to prevent any from falling.

“When do you leave?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

“Don’t go,” Alex finally said, not bothering to wipe any tears. She sniffled. “I need you here. I love you so much.”

Tobin shook her head. “It’s the best for both of us.” Her voice was on the edge of cracking. She knew the last thing she wanted was to let Alex go, but she had to. She wouldn’t be like Hope. She’d move on. Just like she knew Alex would, too.

“Why don’t I get a say?”

The midfielder managed a weak smile. “Because you don’t think about the consequences down the road.”

They looked at each other in silence, tears flowing down Alex’s face while Tobin gulped as much as she could to keep her own tears in. As the silence grew longer and heavier, Alex finally realized something.

“You never said it back,” she stated. She was pretty sure she’d just told Tobin she loved her more than once and she never got a reply. “I love you, Tobin.”

“You’ve said that already,” the older girl said as if Alex needed reminding. She bit her lip, knowing what was coming next.

“Do you love me?” The forward was almost too scared to ask. Though her vision was blurry due to tears, she could see make out Tobin a few feet away from her. She needed this answer. There was no way in hell Tobin couldn’t love her back.

Tobin fought every instinct to look away from Alex. She kept her eyes trained on the younger one who was basically sobbing at this point. At the sound of the question, a huge lump had formed in her throat. She’d known Alex for years - yes, she loved her as a best friend. But this...this relationship was still somewhat new to her that she almost didn’t believe it. Even if she was sure of it, she had to say the right answer.

“I don’t know...I’m not sure I do.”

Alex stared at her in disbelief. There had to be a mistake. Something was wrong with her hearing.This wasn’t right. “What?”

“I’m not sure if I do,” Tobin repeated, fighting off sobs.

“Oh.”

They stood in silence for a moment, Tobin struggling to maintain eye contact while Alex looked at her like it was someone else.

_She doesn’t love me._

Another moment passed and a lump formed in Tobin’s throat. “I’m sorry,” she managed to choke out.

“Don’t be.” Alex shook her head, tears filling her eyes. “Have fun in Paris.” She ran off to her room, slamming the door shut.

Tobin finally let out a strangled sob, collapsing into the closest chair. She curled into herself, hugging her legs tightly against her chest and sobbing uncontrollably. She’d done it now. It was done. But it felt so bad. After letting her cries die down, she managed to get herself into her own room and fell asleep, knowing she’d be gone long before Alex would wake up.

 

-

 

[two years later]

To watch the ceremony happening in front of her was too surreal. This was what was supposed to happen. This was what was good for her. Tobin herself was dating someone now, but she was playing for a club in Germany and couldn’t be her plus one for the weekend. It was awkward being here, watching this happen. But yet here she was.

“You okay?” she heard Lauren whisper in her ear as the couple in front exchanged their “I do”s.

Tobin nodded as she held back a shaky breath. “Fine.”

“You may now kiss the bride.”

The kiss caused something to tug at Tobin’s heart, but she tried to push the feeling aside as she clapped with her teammates and the rest of the audience gathered here today. This applause wasn’t the normal stage for the woman in front. This wasn’t the Olympics, or the World Cup or even their NWSL games. This was a wedding in which the face of women’s soccer was getting married.

Tobin watched her teammates cheer and scream until her eyes met Hope’s. She was with Jerramy, who still sort of freaked Tobin out. Hope gave her a look, as if asking Tobin if she had made the right decision.

Tobin and Alex weren’t Hope and Kelley. They’d both moved on. Alex was happily married to a man who loved her and could give her everything she’d need. Tobin was dating someone who wasn’t always in the spotlight. Perfect fix.

After Hope’s gaze broke away from Tobin, she followed the keeper’s gaze to Kelley, who had Christen’s arm wrapped around her waist tightly. Kelley was clapping and hollering at Alex while Christen’s lips were pressed against her cheek. Tobin felt a pang for Hope. Years gone and she still regretted her decision.

Two years and Tobin was fine.

She turned her attention back to Alex, smiling a little to herself. Then, just for a moment, a thought crossed her mind.

_What if that was me instead of him?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Readers: This is NOT the end, there's one more part left - an epilogue of sorts. Should be up in the following days I promise.


	17. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this song basically sums it up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrGq-pSvZg8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you read this and it's really over, I just want to say thank you for enjoying this fic. Thank you for reading it every time I update and thank you for being so patient with me as I took forever to post at times. Thanks for your feedback - I really do appreciate it all.  
> I have a new fic I'm working on, and it'll be ready soon.  
> Enjoy the last part of Only Know it When. :)

It was hard not to enjoy herself at the reception. It all screamed Alex Morgan by the way it was set up.

Well, Alex Morgan- _Carrasco_.

The name seemed funny to Tobin. There wasn’t any other way she knew Alex other than Morgan. She just thanked God the forward wasn’t changing the name on her jersey. She wasn’t sure she could live with that - and she couldn’t tell if it was because Morgan-13 had been always Alex or because she didn’t want to see Carrasco on there.

Little kids were running around with Christie’s kids as leaders, deemed the oldest now that smaller ones had come along (including a little Holiday boy). Tobin watched them whiz by chasing each other and bursting into giggling fits. Her eyes scanned the room as she took a sip of wine and she watched as her teammates intermixed with the crowd of Alex’s old friends and other friends outside of the soccer world.

A soft pang hit her chest just then. She missed her girlfriend who was all the way in Germany at the moment. She wished she’d argued a little bit more on her end to let the league release her for the weekend, just to accompany her. Most of her friends here were with their spouses or dates, and that kind of sucked. Every time she saw a glimpse of Alex, her breath caught, still not getting over how beautiful she looked in the wedding gown.

A little while later, Tobin stood from her table as her friends deserted her for the dance floor. She laughed as they made typical fools of themselves and made her way out to the back, where a gorgeous lake was in the view on the porch. She leaned against the stone railing, looking out into the darkness as the silence surrounded her. She needed a moment to herself, just to take this all in.

“What are you doing out here all alone?”

Tobin held in a sigh as she heard the voice that used to be all she wanted to hear. “You noticed I was gone?”

She heard heels on the pavement, getting louder as they neared. “Of course I did, no one was telling Sydney she needed to slow down on the drinks.”

This received a soft chuckle from Tobin, and she tried to control her breathing when Alex stood by her side. “Sorry for abandoning my duty.”

“I think I’ll forgive you this time,” Alex flashed her a quick grin, and they almost fell into their old patterns from years ago. Before there was a relationship. Before Portland and the friendly. Before that one kiss that changed everything.

But this was the most progress they’d had in two years.

After Tobin left, she cut off communication from Alex. When she was called for camps, she made it clear to Tom that she absolutely could not room with Alex. They didn’t talk for the next three friendlies - only knowing where the other was on the field was enough. Then short, mumbled phrases when they needed something until it was to the point where they were civil enough to speak, but not anywhere close to being good friends.

Another thought occurred to Tobin. _What if she had spoken up in that time span? What would change?_

“It’s beautiful, Alex. All of this,” she said, turning to face the bride.

Alex beamed, and Tobin couldn’t help but smile at the way her eyes lit up. “Thanks. I was so scared it wasn’t going to turn out the way I wanted or no one would like it.”

“I _love_ it,” the midfielder reassured her.

“So…” Alex started after an awkward beat of silence. “How’s your girl?”

It was strange, bringing up the topic of Tobin’s relationship with Alex. “Um...good. I was going to bring her as my date, but her league wouldn’t let her leave.”

“That’s too bad,” Alex sighed. “Would’ve been nice to meet her.”

“Yeah…”

“I bet she’s great.”

“Very,” Tobin grinned, thinking about her girlfriend now.

After another silent moment, Alex spoke again. “Does she make you happy?”

Tobin looked at her for a moment, and a memory of their time together in Portland suddenly flashed through her head. “Yeah...yeah, she does.”

The striker nodded. “Good.”

They fell into a silence, both looking out into the darkness, barely making out the lake. Suddenly Tobin asked, “Shouldn’t you be enjoying your own reception?”

Alex only shrugged.

“Dude, you just got married. I think you should celebrate.”

“Have you ever thought for a second, that this should be you and me? Not me and him?”

The question took Tobin by complete surprise. Alex had moved on. She was sure of it. The younger girl had went with Tobin’s wishes and learned to love Servando, because it was best.

“Huh?”

“You heard me,” Alex stated, her blue eyes intensely looking at Tobin.

Tobin hadn’t seen that intensity directed towards her in years. It felt almost intimidating. But this was Alex Morgan, and there had once been a time when she knew Alex Morgan better than anyone in the world.

“Maybe..” she mumbled, not meeting Alex’s eyes.

“Me too,” Alex said softly with her gaze still on Tobin. “I did what you wanted.”

“Good, now we’re both happy,” Tobin shrugged, trying not to let her old emotions get the best of her. She struggled to keep them down. She didn’t need them with her tonight. Thank God she hadn’t gotten drunk.

“Mhmm,” the striker hummed, biting her lip. “Did you mean it, Tobin?”

“Mean what?”

“What you said.”

“When?”

“When you said you didn’t love me.”

Tobin gulped. She turned to face Alex, who was looking at her curiously. She wasn’t angry or upset. She just wanted the truth. But on her wedding night, did she really need such news?

 _Screw it_ , she thought. _This is Alex._ “No.”

There was a flicker in Alex’s expression but it left so quickly that Tobin couldn’t tell what it had been. There was a time she could read Alex better than this.

“Then why’d you say it?” Now Tobin could sense a bit of hurt in her voice.

She sighed, shaking her head. “I protected you. We couldn’t risk it.”

“I wanted to take that risk.”

“I know, and you needed to get your head out of your ass and realize this isn’t your dream world.”

“Shouldn’t our love be enough, Tobs?” Tobin almost cringed at how natural the nickname sounded coming out of Alex’s mouth.

“Alex, I loved you so much - I couldn’t even begin to explain it. I’d go to the ends of the earth for you. I didn’t realize just how much I loved you until I was gone. I knew I felt something strong, and I knew it was something I wouldn’t feel with anyone else, but I didn’t know that was it. I didn’t know it was love. I did what i did because I _loved_ you, Alex. By making that decision I protected both you and your career. I ensured you’d have a good life. Now, look at you. You can’t say it didn’t turn out pretty damn sweet.”

“But I lost my best friend in the process.”

Tobin looked down, swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat while she spoke. “I’m sorry.”

“Why can’t you ever put yourself first?” Alex asked, her hand hovering over Tobin’s, her fingers almost grazing the tanned skin. “Why is it always others before you? Tobin, you need to be selfish sometimes.”

“I learned that,” Tobin nodded. “I swear. I’m selfish now when it comes to my girlfriend.”

But Alex knew what she had wanted to hear. She wanted Tobin to be selfish for her.

“We can’t change our past, Lex,” she went on, the old name rolling off her tongue without a second thought. “It’s too late.”

“I know,” Alex sighed. “Do you think you made the right decision?”

The midfielder was silent for a moment, really thinking about the question. “Yes. Because in the end, you’ve had an amazingly successful career and I’ve learned lessons along the road.”

The younger girl sighed, knowing Tobin did make sense. “Do you ever think..if we were different people in a different situation this would’ve played out differently?”

“I don’t doubt it.”

Alex nodded, her hand lightly placed on top of Tobin’s.

Suddenly, this wasn’t Alex’s wedding. Tobin didn’t have a girlfriend. Their fallout never happened. This was Alex and Tobin. Not Alex Morgan and Tobin Heath. They were each other’s better halves. It was like someone had taken them back in time.

Tobin felt Alex’s lips on her cheek. She missed those lips.

“I love you,” a faint whisper in her ear left shivers down her spine.

The bride, in all her white glory, walked back into the reception without looking back.

“I love you too,” Tobin whispered, staring in the direction Alex walked off in until she lost her in the crowd. Her hand lifted, fingers caressing the spot where Alex’s lips had just been. She wanted to hold onto whatever she could while it was still there.

But she had let her go.

Two years ago, in a small Portland apartment.

 

_Only know you love her when you let her go..and you let her go._

 


End file.
